Friday, April 6, 2012

Obstacles



Its been several months, three actually, since my friend Emily was diagnosed with metastasized brain cancer. She died on the 5th, at home, with her caregiver holding her hand.


Since January 5, I have been by her side, helping her navigate the radiation, the CT scans, the PET scans, the multitude of ER visits, the blood work. I became chauffeur and confidant. I sifted through volumes of papers that the hospitals needed, I still have a stack about two feet high in my office. Disability, life insurance claims, early retirement withdrawals, bills, divorce proceedings, attorneys, the bureaucracy is astounding. She couldn't do it, so I did.


Loretta called me at 2 in the morning, I ran down the hall for my cell but missed the call, then the house phone rang, and hung up, the house phone again. Loretta was crying.


It's never easy losing someone, especially a young person, she would have turned 42 next month.


Emily was very lucky to have Loretta, we were lucky we found her. Emily was in good hands with her.


We all react differently and deal with death differently, just as we deal with life. Some people get hysterical, some cry immediately, some are solemn.


I went to the gym and lifted weights.

It's a place, and an activity, that makes me feel whole, makes me feel alive. Its my "happy place". I was there for a couple hours, I didn't cry, I was still too stunned.

I feel a huge sense of relief, for Emily and for me, for Loretta, her caregiver and all of the people who loved her. Cancer is not a easy way to die.

There was a lot to do, I thought I could finally sleep, maybe take a nap, I haven't been sleeping well, I had too much on my mind, but too many people needed things, they all needed information.

Silly things like transposed social security numbers on the cremation paperwork cause the mortuary concern, they want to make sure the death certificate is for the right person. Was there a will? How do we get in the apartment? Where are all the papers? 

Where did all these people get my cell phone number?  I have all the answers and am ready to let go of it all. I exhaled a lot, like I was pushing it all out of my body.

I emailed David and told him I am sorry things have been so rough for the last three months, it has all been very stressful for me. He said:

 "I am sure you are feeling a great sense of relief and now can move forward without the weight of Emily's care on your mind and shoulders.

You can now focus on your own weight and weights and shoulders."

He knows that's what I need, and it is time for me now, time to focus on myself, 100%. I haven't been, although many wouldn't know it. I have tried, but there just wasn't enough of  me to go around.

I have about four weeks until my competition, and through all of this I have maintained my training and diet quite well, I think I look great. I appear very lean (and still some fat is left and it will go too), I cannot see that I have lost any muscle to speak of, I am still progressing in my weight training,  and getting in that darn cardio.

I have managed to do my full time job too, and the laundry and grocery shopping (David helps too of course).

Now, I can concentrate on myself, on getting to where I need to be, where I want to be.

We all have obstacles to overcome, and it's easy to roll over and hide under a rock when things get stressful, but it helps no one, especially you. When you feel overwhelmed, keep going, maybe slow down a bit, take different routes, take shortcuts, but never give up. 


Do you have an obstacle that is keeping you from your dream? From becoming what or who you want to be? How long has that obstacle been there? Have you tried to overcome it? Really tried?


“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

Fr. Alfred D'Souza




6 comments:

  1. Aloha Kristy.. I haven't been on your blog as much as I would like to and keep up with your journey to compete..but it seem fitting for me to come to your blog today.. My heart goes out to you and your friend and for your great loss. You are right we all handle loss differently, but it hurts just the same. Whenever I hear of loss it brings me right back to that place when I got my call that my husband was shot... I lost it for a moment, then went just numb and just functioned to get in the car with my kids to hopefully find him still alive. I found out he didn't make it as I was heading up to the hospital. We did have to pull off the road for me to catch my breath and let some of the pain out to be able to keep driving.
    I think your friend was so lucky to have such an amazing friend in you, and I am sure she would of wanted you to go workout and take it all out on the iron. You will feel it later and be able to process it and cry. The numbness is a way of coping with the pain you know you're about to feel. It keeps the pain away for a little while so you can function, but it will get to you eventually. You're husband will be of great comfort to you.

    I wish you all the best of luck in you competition and will check back to see how your changing and doing in these next 4 weeks. I know you will be Simply Amazing =)

    Debra✿
    http://islandgurl1.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aloha Debra- I can tell it brought memories back for you, and they are as strong as the first day too. I am feeling better but so incredibly fatigued, I think it is releasing all the built up stress. I had a massage this afternoon too, that certainly helped.

    Thanks for the wishes, and 4 weeks will be here and gone before you or I know it! I hope the family is well on the beautiful island!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aloha Kristy... You are right...A lot of memories came back. I always feel for others going through that feeling of great loss for a loved one or close friend. I am truly sorry for your loss and for your friend having to leave this earth way too early. She was lucky to have such a loving, caring friend by her side in her last days. I am sure it gave her much comfort and some joy to have you close to her.
      I am sure you are talking a lot of stress out on the iron.. It will surely help you prepare in these last weeks before you get on that stage. I will check in to see how you're doing girl.. I know you're going to Rock that stage hard!!!
      Happy Easter & God Bless you and your family on this Easter Sunday!

      Delete
    2. @Debra Do check back, I am near the home stretch. I see that you saw the news about Robert Kennedy- that's just awful. Same thing my mom started with lung cancer is a horrible disease that affects so many people, even those who never smoked. I know he is a good friend of yours, and has been for many years. Hang in there!

      Delete
  3. May your friend rest in peace, and may you know peace by knowing the wonderful friend that you were to her.

    As my husband always says--hopefully, someday, cancer will get cancer, and we will be rid of it once and for all.

    Good luck as you enter the "Final 4."

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you Phil- I think she is in a good place as I am now. The very last thing we did together, the last time she could actually speak was a week before she died, when i had a notary come in and get all her divorce papers signed! That was the last thing she wanted, to be free of the man who kicked her out, for having cancer. I hope your husband is right, someday...

    ReplyDelete