Fear of Training

I have found that the largest hurdle in my life is always my own fear. Some people may not consider the fact that fear is holding them back, but whenever I hesitate, or stumble, or approach something with less enthusiasm than I should,  I analyze it and decide that it is fear. 



I think that many people are afraid of looking foolish. I love laughing and actually find some of the best situations are when I do something that I can laugh at, that seems to be quite often. I rarely try to be serious. 

I think that many people are afraid of failing. Who ever started out being able to do something right the very first time? You learned to roll over, crawl, walk and then run. It takes time. Why do so many people feel they need to be "experts" at something the first time they try it?

I think many people live lives that are boring and predictable because they are afraid to venture out into something new, it's like a prison. I know people who won't go out dancing because they "can't dance". I hate to burst your bubble, but it's the people who CAN dance that we are all looking at! 

How many times have you wanted to do something, yet didn't, and years later you replay "what might have been" in your head over and over and over? It could have been something small, or something bigger, something life changing.

We always seem to make our fears much bigger than they ever really were, or even could be. Are you someone who thinks the worst all the time? Or says "what if....? So exactly WHAT are you afraid of? Write down a couple of things that scare you the most.  Now next to them, write down the worst possible outcome if these fears came true. Next to that, write down what the most likely outcome is.

Next, write down what that fear is holding you back from. Is it worth it? Is the most likely outcome really that bad? 

I am petrified to speak or even stand in front of a group of people, that's tough because standing and posing, almost naked in front of them is just as scary to me. What's so scary about speaking in front of people? Well...I guess I could say something silly, or an incorrect fact, or I might not know the answer to a question. Or, I might bore someone! Funny thing is, people think I LOVE speaking in public, I tend to be quite animated. People actually tell me that I am a great speaker! They think I like it!

So what do I do? I face my fear. I get on stage and pose. Sure, there is no talking, but I am standing in front of 1000 people and they are critiquing my body, my physique.

I am still scared every time I go out there but I cannot let that hold me back from doing what I want to do. I train hard and eat very specific meals so my body looks a certain way, I want to show it off. I have grown tremendously by doing exactly what I fear most. I have become more self confident, self reliant and...I respect myself more. I realized that I am worth it, I am an important person who has something to say!

Everyone is afraid of something. But how often do they think about that fear and the reality of it? Spiders....I am scared of spiders. So what does that prevent me from doing? Hmmm...digging in wood piles; sorting through old papers, sleeping in my bedroom sometimes. Yes indeed, I won't sleep in there if there is a big hairy spider in there. It might crawl on me. It might bite me. Right...that's so stupid! The damn thing is probably scared of me! I am working on it, believe me.

I know many people who are afraid to go to the gym because they are overweight  They are afraid that they don't know how to properly use the equipment. They are afraid they may look........foolish.

I was there once, I knew nothing. But I went in, I watched and I learned. Sure, I watched a lot pf people who did things wrong, but that is easy to figure out by watching many different people. I hired a trainer. I started with once a week, that's all I could afford. He taught me slowly, but I practiced. I felt very proud when I mastered something new. I felt accomplished. I felt smart.

I think people tend to forget that each day could be their last, most of us won't win the lottery (heck, I don't even buy tickets, so I definitely won't be winning!);  it's unfortunate that fears hold some people back from experiencing thrilling events that can enrich their lives for the remainder of their years.

Think about your fears. Think about your satisfaction with your life. If throwing caution to the wind might make things just a little more thrilling.....stop letting fear hold you back.

Hard Work or Gimmicks

People are always looking for shortcuts, the easy way to do something, everything! Take a look at this magazine below- "Big Arms Fast" right. Do you really think that you can get big arms fast? No, of course not, but headlines like this sell magazines.

And this one "Drop Two Sizes" I bet this sells like hotcakes!

Now the next one I like "Look Great Naked". This seems like a reasonable thing to want, I think everyone wants to look great naked, or at least feel good about themselves when they are naked, but few do.  And the funny thing is, most people get so excited seeing naked people that they really don't care what you look like.....LOL!

But the other story "Eat, Drink & Still Shrink" doesn't seem realistic to me.

I am pointing all of this out because I want people to be realistic, don't fall for this marketing hype! None of it is true, its all designed to sell magazines, to make money.

You cannot grow big arms FAST; you cannot drop two sizes FAST, you cannot eat, drink and still SHRINK! The problem is so many people, especially women, look at these magazines and the models and they do the exercises they recommend, or follow the diets and most people get no where.


The exercises are not actually what the model does, in fact, the model makes her living as a model, she HAS to look great all the time. I know a woman who has been a model  in magazines and she told me the magazine told her what exercises to model and what to do, they never asked her what her training or workout was. 


The foods typically are not nutritionally well balanced, they are designed to make you think you are eating right and they taste good. Not many people can survive on 900 to 1000 calories a day, a few celery sticks and a smoothie do not make a great body. Or the other swing is the foods they recommend are super high in fats and starches, just not much so you starve in between meals. Most of the foods I see in these are not nutritionally sound.

You can; however, look great naked! Its all about how you feel about yourself. If you feel good, you look good!


Go ahead and read the magazines if you enjoy them, I read them when I get a pedicure, but don't take them seriously, if you do, you are only setting yourself up to fail. "Beach ready in 3 weeks" may work for someone who is already training, but for a newbie? Its not real life, give yourself a chance to succeed, hire a trainer, hire a nutritionist, read about weight training, ask a friend how they did it, but don't believe the magazines. 


And my blog "Ready in 5 Weeks"? It's about me - about how I train and diet and work all the time, year round, not just for a few weeks to get ready for something. Its about staying motivated, being realistic and surrounding yourself with positive people and experiences.

I do have a keen ability to drop to extremely  low bodyfat levels, lower than most people can get, but doing what I do doesn't mean you can also drop that low, and you shouldn't even want to. But you can learn from my experiences and my knowledge, its a lot better than a magazine, it's interactive, and it's free!


And I am a fun gal...

No Limits

I have a post every Monday called "Monday Morning Motivation". I know many enjoy it and many really don’t read it; however, it may interest you to know that it really is for me, it keeps me going and I just happen to enjoy sharing it. 

You can tell what’s going on with me by the theme that week, I always think about where my head is at the moment and if it’s not a good place, I identify why and write about what I need to do to change my thoughts. If it is a good place, then I just find quotes that reinforce my positive mood.

Although I am a really upbeat and positive thinker, I do have my moments of self doubt, and "down" periods.

Recently I have been struggling and have not been quite able to identify the reason. I am typically very good at it. If something is bothering me I sit and think until I figure it out, then I decide what I shall do to change it. It is a rare occurrence where I feel a situation is not within my control to change.

What puzzles me is this: Everything seems to be progressing exactly as planned, so why am I struggling? My training has felt particularly difficult in the last few weeks. I love to train, it is the highlight of my day, yet a few times recently I have felt like it was too much to even consider doing.

I do not have a competition planned in the near future so I am not stressed about that. I am not on a competition diet.  I am enjoying meals out and eating pretty much what I want, but still mindful of a balanced and clean diet.

Roy and I have been working hard to add muscle to my frame, I want to transition into Women’s Physique. My weight is up, way up, yet bodyfat is low. I have packed on muscle, a lot; I look like a little bull or a beefy weight lifter (I mean a real competitive one, not a weekend warrior).  My quads have gotten so big that I cannot wear some of my biggest pants, and the ones I can are pulled tight across my thighs, they bunch up in the fold of my leg/hip. Roy even said they are really showing increased size. My glutes are big and round, almost laughable actually. My calves are getting big; I have been training them diligently three times a week now for six months. A couple days ago David said “Your calves are looking curvy!”

No one has ever used the words “curvy” and “Kristy” in the same sentence before.

Three days a week I train with Roy, and we lift heavy, really heavy. I repeat those same workouts on my own so I train each body part twice a week.  I know I am lifting quite a bit, I don’t know any woman who deadlifts 205 for reps and I rarely see any men even do that. It takes a lot out of me. On the days that I train with Roy I train twice a day, and I am in the “off season”.

Wednesday is usually one of my most difficult days: quads.  When I saw Roy on Wednesday after work, I told him that I had a really good nap at lunch, short but I fell right asleep. It could be because I am working out of an apartment and I have a bed in my office.  Roy remarked that it was a really good thing “With the way you are training right now, you need as much sleep as possible.” Even he is recognizing that I am training harder than usual.

On the days that I train on my own it is tempting to shortchange myself, to tell myself that I am too sore or too tired to go as heavy as I should. And there have been times lately when I am so, so sore that I feel I cannot physically do it.

Then on Thursday morning my brother sent me this message on Facebook.  I woke at my usual 4:00 am and sat at my Mac drinking my shake, taking supplements, waking up. I was feeling fatigued, it was hamstring day and my glutes and hamstrings were still painfully sore from Monday. I was supposed to do multiple sets of back extensions with a weighted bar and then Glute Ham Raise with weight, I was dreading it.

This made me realize that I love what I am doing, and I have a valid reason for feeling a bit fatigued, I am pushing myself, but I have set my own limits and that is why I am struggling. I had convinced myself it was too difficult.

I no longer have limits. 

I will keep lifting heavier and heavier and adding the lean mass I have been working so hard for and I will continue to succeed. 


I am looking forward to my training on Friday with Roy, I bet the bench press will be easy.


I have a massage with Rachael immediately afterward, I will have her work on my hamstrings and glutes, her hands will eliminate the pain so I can squat on Saturday with even more weight than before.

Thanks little brother, for pushing me.

This is the story my brother sent, it is about Bruce Lee, the martial artist.

“Bruce had me up to three miles a day, really at a good pace. We’d run the three miles in twenty-one or twenty-two minutes. Just under eight minutes a mile [Note: when running on his own in 1968, Lee would get his time down to six-and-a half minutes per mile]. So this morning he said to me “We’re going to go five.” I said, “Bruce, I can’t go five. I’m a helluva lot older than you are, and I can’t do five.” He said, “When we get to three, we’ll shift gears and it’s only two more and you’ll do it.” I said “Okay, hell, I’ll go for it.” So we get to three, we go into the fourth mile and I’m okay for three or four minutes, and then I really begin to give out. I’m tired, my heart’s pounding, I can’t go any more and so I say to him, “Bruce if I run any more,” –and we’re still running-”if I run any more I’m liable to have a heart attack and die.” He said, “Then die.” It made me so mad that I went the full five miles. Afterward I went to the shower and then I wanted to talk to him about it. I said, you know, “Why did you say that?” He said, “Because you might as well be dead. Seriously, if you always put limits on what you can do, physical or anything else, it’ll spread over into the rest of your life. It’ll spread into your work, into your morality, into your entire being. There are no limits. There are plateaus, but you must not stay there, you must go beyond them. If it kills you, it kills you. A man must constantly exceed his level.”

Bench Press

"When was the last time you benched?" Roy asked on Friday, it seemed innocent enough, boy was I wrong!


My body never ceases to amaze me, I think I have it all dialed in then "wham", I feel like a truck hit me, and that's just with a few changes. 


I am writing this on Sunday evening, and my body is sore, pretty much all over. It was worse yesterday, in fact laying in bed last night, with the heat and my aching body, I found it difficult to sleep.


The pecs really hurt, but so does my entire chest, my delts, my glutes, quads, hamstrings,  traps.


What did I do?? I know because I keep a training journal! Sometimes I cannot remember to record my weights when I am with Roy, but he has it all and I can check back later if needed.


Monday: 
5:00 am Gold's Gym, Campbell
30 minutes on the stairmill
calves
5:30 pm Bodycomp Gym, San Jose
deadlifts 250 pounds 6 sets of 7
Back extension on Glute Ham Raise 12 pounds 1 set of 10; 15 pounds 3 sets of 12


Tuesday: 
4:50 am Chico Sport Club, Chico
German Volume Training- Barbell shoulder press 70 pounds 10 sets of 10
Leaning lat raise 15 pounds 4 sets of 10 each side


Wednesday:
5:00 am Golds Gym, Campbell
30 minutes on the stairmill
calves
5:30 pm Bodycomp Gym, San Jose
Front Squats 110 pounds 1 set of 10; 120 pounds 3 sets of 10
Walking lunges with barbell held in front (front squat style) 65 pounds 3 sets of 10 on each leg


Thursday:
5:00 am Golds Gym, Campbell
Standing leg curl 45 pounds, 3 sets of 9 on each leg
Deadlifts 205 pounds 3 sets of 5
Chin ups bodyweight 2 sets of 7
Back extension on Glute Ham Raise 10 pounds 4 sets of 10


Friday:
5:00 am Golds Gym, Campbell
30 minutes on the stairmill
calves
12:00 noon Bodycomp Gym, San Jose
Bench Press (didn't record first three sets), 110 pounds 3 sets 9, 7, 6 
Dips (didn't get all the weights) Bodyweight, 5; 25 pounds 4, 15 pounds 4; 10 pounds 5; BW 6


Saturday:
6:00 am Golds Gym, Campbell
Front Squat 120 pounds 3 sets of 10
Walking lunges with barbell held in front (front squat style) 60 pounds 3 sets of 9 on each leg (limited space LOL!)
Barbell front raise 30 pounds 3 sets of 12
Dual cable lat raise 5 pounds each 6 sets of 12


Sunday:
6:30 am Golds Gym, Campbell (no alarm set)
Low row 100 pounds wide grip 3 sets of 12; triangle grip 3 sets of 12
Lat pull down 95 pounds wide grip 3 sets of 10; triangle grip 3 sets of 12
Chin ups bodyweight 4 sets of 6
Barbell bent over row 115 pounds 3 sets of 10
Barbell biceps curl 70 pounds 3 sets of 10
Barbell reverse biceps curl 40 pounds 3 sets of 10
Face pull 27.5 pounds 3 sets of 12
Leg raises on leaning dip bodyweight 3 sets of 20


Some of this is new, like the bench press, walking lunges with all that weight and the shoulder exercises on Saturday; and some is just damn heavy, like the deadlifts; combine it all together and that's why I am sore. As you can see, I am not doing a whole lot of cardio, I haven't been running at lunch, although I may start up soon after it cools down a bit, I will see how I feel!

Symmetry and Proportion

I am torn....torn between wanting to do what is right for my overall physique, and wanting to do what is right for my own ego.


We all know we need to train the whole body- look at the Men's Physique competitors, the newest division in male "bodybuilding". They all have ripped abs, great chests and.....nice hair? Their butts are usually non-existent, their backs are not trained much and their legs are typically pencil thin, Roy says that's why they wear those long board shorts! It has been jokingly called the "Mankini" division....


Not all of them look like that, some have fantastic physiques,I am generalizing as usual. But, if you have followed it since it's inception, most of the men do not worry about their overall physique and they don't need to, because the judges don't seem to be concerned either. That's a downright shame.


I like to think that most competitors are into the sport for the health aspect, but I know that's not accurate. Many are indeed into the sport because they want to show off their hard work as they maintain their healthy lifestyle, yet many are into it because they suffer self esteem issues, many because they have struggled to reach a goal of feeling good about themselves, and of course, you have the narcissists! 


I am very concerned about my health, and I also believe I have Healthy Narcissism! I feel that what I do on a daily basis takes a lot of hard work, determination, relentless drive, energy and internal motivation. I am not alone in what I do, I have a large network of friends and supporters who also practice the same "lifestyle", to varying degrees; some work full time making it harder, some have children, some don't work or have kids or even pets. Some get up at 4:00 am everyday 365 days a year like I do, and others get up at 9:00 am, but we all put in the effort. We are an elite group, there are far more people who choose to sit and watch TV, eat fast food and talk about what their dreams are, than there are people who go out and make sure their dreams are fulfilled.


So, I am talking about this because my training is changing and it has made me realize how focused I am on small things that really shouldn't worry me so much. 

Like my shoulders.

I do not have a competition planned in the near future, yet when Roy changed my Friday and Tuesday training, I got a little worried. Sure- it's my choice,and when he said we would be training chest, he even asked if that was OK, he knows I usually train shoulders on Friday and Tuesday but he added that I need to train my chest once in a while to keep everything in proportion, to make sure I train the whole body, to be sure I don't over develop one area which could lead to injury in another. I said it was fine, but when I got home I worried, what about my shoulders? 

He and I had a little chat on Face book. I told him that I need 10 days in a week to fit in everything I want to train...."What, do you think, might be the problem if I train shoulders a bit tomorrow (Saturday) after I do my quads? And then I can throw in some shoulders on Tuesday after my chest workout too, just like we talked about today?"

I told him I understood the need to train chest a while, but I need to keep the big, round shoulders, they mean a lot to me...

We reached an agreement of changing the training a bit, and I am sure it will include all I need and want.

Lesson and advice? Don't focus on parts of your physique at the expense of others, train everything and maintain proportion and symmetry, just what Figure is judged on!  Remember that you are a complete body, a whole person, not just a set of shoulders, or abs, or a butt. Focus on just one bodypart and although it may look great, after the first glance, the thoughts will be  "too bad the rest of the body doesn't look as good..."

And I need to keep in mind that my muscles will not waste away (what I said to Roy), but they may ebb and flow depending on training, yet I always know just what to do in the few weeks leading up to a show, so I can make everything "pop" the way it should.

6 Weeks to a Better Back

Ha ha Sounds like a commercial huh? But it's true- take a look at these pictures!

Above (the impressive picture) is my back on Sunday, April 8, 2012. 

Below (the slacker picture) is my back six weeks earlier. Quite a difference huh? Changes like this really excite me!

I am four weeks from a competition, so in the next month, my back will become even more defined, I will have less fat and my waist will come in a bit more. When I saw the first picture, I was kind of shocked, it just didn't look like my back, how could that be my back? 


The erector spinae muscles are so thick, almost like wide ropes running down my back, I don't remember those. But I have always loved backs, and especially that nice deep indent that runs straight up the middle, and you only get that with well developed muscles running up the sides.


I remember a few years ago, I had stopped training on a regular basis with SC, and I went in to see him, we must have been training that one day because when he looked at me (I had a bra top on, no shirt), he got this shocked sound in his voice and said "What the hell happened to your back?!"


My back...was gone, no well developed muscles, no thick like ropes running down the sides, no big indent, I had slacked off on my training. I don't do that any longer.


So what have I done?

Year round I train my back once a week, one whole morning is devoted to back, and a bit of biceps as they naturally get worked when I train my back (I won't be reviewing bicep training now). When I start dieting for a competition, then I start training my back twice a week. 

So...I double my training, I cut rest periods and I add more sets. I suppose its almost like quadrupling my workouts then! 

I vary the training, and I will change what I am doing every 3 or 4 weeks. I do not do the exact same thing on my twice a week back days, although I do some of the same things. Here is an example:

Sunday is my long day, I have more time.

Chin ups/pull ups

I will do 4 sets of 4 different hand grips. I typically do 6 to 10 of each depending on the grip. I super set these with dips, body weight 10 reps. So I do my chin ups then move to the dip station, do those then rest.


Lat Pull Down
6 sets of 12 60 second rest in between
2 sets wide grip
2 sets narrow grip (palms facing me)
2 sets triangle grip


Low Row on a Cable
6 sets of 12 60 second rest in between
2 sets wide grip
2 sets narrow grip (palms facing me)
2 sets triangle grip

Barbell Bent Over Row
4 sets of 10, (palms can be changed, supinated will hit the biceps more, pronated will hit the back more...I like supinated best)


On the shorter days I will eliminate the BB Bent Over Row and the Low Row and I will add this instead:


T-Bar Row
4 sets of 10 (squeeze those shoulder blades).


FacePulls
4 sets of 12


Always, always, always do chin ups and pull ups! They are one of the best things for your whole body. Keep your core tight, do NOT "kip" them up, you are completely defeating the purpose of doing them then. Don't neglect your back, not only are strong backs stunning, they are vital to your overall physical health. 


My back also gets worked when I perform the Glute Ham raise, Squats, and Good Mornings, since they require a strong, tight focused core, it just all fits. So, if you are not doing any of these big compound exercises, and then fail to do much of the back training that I described and rely solely on the lat pull down as most people do, you will probably never had these nice thick ropes. 


But! It's never too late to start- cause see what I did in only 6 weeks?

Obstacles

Its been several months, three actually, since my friend Emily was diagnosed with metastasized brain cancer. She died on the 5th, at home, with her caregiver holding her hand.


Since January 5, I have been by her side, helping her navigate the radiation, the CT scans, the PET scans, the multitude of ER visits, the blood work. I became chauffeur and confidant. I sifted through volumes of papers that the hospitals needed, I still have a stack about two feet high in my office. Disability, life insurance claims, early retirement withdrawals, bills, divorce proceedings, attorneys, the bureaucracy is astounding. She couldn't do it, so I did.


Loretta called me at 2 in the morning, I ran down the hall for my cell but missed the call, then the house phone rang, and hung up, the house phone again. Loretta was crying.


It's never easy losing someone, especially a young person, she would have turned 42 next month.


Emily was very lucky to have Loretta, we were lucky we found her. Emily was in good hands with her.


We all react differently and deal with death differently, just as we deal with life. Some people get hysterical, some cry immediately, some are solemn.

I went to the gym and lifted weights.

It's a place, and an activity, that makes me feel whole, makes me feel alive. Its my "happy place". I was there for a couple hours, I didn't cry, I was still too stunned.

I feel a huge sense of relief, for Emily and for me, for Loretta, her caregiver and all of the people who loved her. Cancer is not a easy way to die.

There was a lot to do, I thought I could finally sleep, maybe take a nap, I haven't been sleeping well, I had too much on my mind, but too many people needed things, they all needed information.

Silly things like transposed social security numbers on the cremation paperwork cause the mortuary concern, they want to make sure the death certificate is for the right person. Was there a will? How do we get in the apartment? Where are all the papers? 

Where did all these people get my cell phone number?  I have all the answers and am ready to let go of it all. I exhaled a lot, like I was pushing it all out of my body.

I emailed David and told him I am sorry things have been so rough for the last three months, it has all been very stressful for me. He said:

 "I am sure you are feeling a great sense of relief and now can move forward without the weight of Emily's care on your mind and shoulders.

You can now focus on your own weight and weights and shoulders."

He knows that's what I need, and it is time for me now, time to focus on myself, 100%. I haven't been, although many wouldn't know it. I have tried, but there just wasn't enough of  me to go around.

I have about four weeks until my competition, and through all of this I have maintained my training and diet quite well, I think I look great. I appear very lean (and still some fat is left and it will go too), I cannot see that I have lost any muscle to speak of, I am still progressing in my weight training,  and getting in that darn cardio.

I have managed to do my full time job too, and the laundry and grocery shopping (David helps too of course).

Now, I can concentrate on myself, on getting to where I need to be, where I want to be.

We all have obstacles to overcome, and it's easy to roll over and hide under a rock when things get stressful, but it helps no one, especially you. When you feel overwhelmed, keep going, maybe slow down a bit, take different routes, take shortcuts, but never give up. 


Do you have an obstacle that is keeping you from your dream? From becoming what or who you want to be? How long has that obstacle been there? Have you tried to overcome it? Really tried?

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

- Fr. Alfred D'Souza

My Own Personal Wall

My back, Saturday morning after training Quads.

At one point or another I have heard almost everyone I know say "I've hit the wall!" I don't recall ever saying that, nor have I ever felt that, until just the other day. 


You know when you go to work and they say things like "Don't bring your personal life to work, leave that at home" well that's not real is it? My personal life is part of me, and every single thing I do in life affects me and my work, my work in the gym, my work out of the gym.


Competing and preparing for a competition are emotionally and physically draining, no one knows who much is put into it, at least no one except the competitor and the people they live with.  


Emotions can drain you, the constant second guessing and feelings of defeat and inadequacies. 


The physical aspect has never been too much for me, I am fine with a great deal of activity and training, I rarely sit still and am happiest when constantly moving. 


But I am feeling pulled, I am overwhelmed and am having a hard time keeping all the balls in the air, my juggling skills are no longer as sharp as they used to be.


My friend, the one I have been caring for since January 4, is in her last days, she is very near the end of life. If you saw her you would actually think it is over already. It is all so much like when my mother died at home. The same morphine, the same Fentanyl patch, Ativan, the smell of death lingers in the air.


People think Hospice takes care of the dying, they do not. While they are wonderful, caring and talented individuals, they do not move in and care for the dying, they make sure that someone ELSE cares for the dying. The nurse checks in with me every couple days, and she sees my friend and meets with me, we discuss changes to pain medication, and impending death.


It's hard, it's really hard. I am working full time, training twice a day, I have a family, I am on a diet and my friend needs care. I am the team mom for my son's lacrosse team, and while the organization doesn't take much since I have done it before, the silly things like parents who cannot deal with problems try my patience, when normally they wouldn't. I am short with them, "get a life, put it all into perspective" I think to myself. 


I go to bed at night as soon as I can, but I still have cardio to do, or training with Roy, or lunches to make, dinner must be eaten. I never feel I have enough sleep. My eyes have dark circles, people tell me I look tired, I need a day off. 

I do. I need a day off from life.

A couple days ago I hit my wall. Too much happened, I felt like I had no where to turn. The company I hired to be with my friend 24 hours a day told me they couldn't administer meds, who would do it every 2 hours? I needed to find someone else, I did it with my mom (my sister and I took turns), sleeping by her bed with a timer sounding every hour, getting up to give her morphine, but can I do this again? Can I do this and still train and compete? I don't see how I could. The nurse thinks she will die in the next couple days, but then they said that about my mom, and she hung on for three weeks!


I visit my friend and although she cannot speak, I tell her it is OK to let go now, it's OK to die now. Everything is taken care of, there are no worries. I think the dying need to be reassured, they need to know there is no unfinished business. 


It took me all day, but I found another care giver, the finance part still needs to be worked out, but the coordination took me all day, a day when I should have been working. Nurses, social workers, hospitals, my phone was working overtime; I was working overtime.


So many people say "How can you do this?"  "It's not your responsibility." "You are killing yourself." 


Yes, all of that is true, but I don't know how I can NOT do what I am doing. We all deserve to die with dignity and free of pain.


I have been so tired, you cannot imagine the drain unless you have been through it all. The other day I got up, and went to the gym, I went through the motions, but my heart was not in it, it felt as though it was an obligation, a duty. I climbed up on the stairmill and felt the tears stream down my face, I cannot go on, I cannot continue this. I want to quit. I should quit. I have to quit, I cannot survive this.


I could see this wall in front of my face, a huge, dark, brick, cold wall, crumbling around the edges, impossible to pass through. 


I stayed on the stairmill, and thought a bit. I thought that this too shall pass, and I cannot quit now because people are depending on me. I am depending on myself. I need to be strong, I need to show myself that I can do it, I have always been a survivor, a fighter.


I am ok now, but I will always remember that wall staring me in the face, and I will always know that I am stronger than any outside force. 

I'm not quitting, ever.

My Training Split

Things need to change a bit, I am now in "competition prep" so this means my training will change, just as my diet changes. 


I add in more cardio, starting off with a few days a week extra, and then I will monitor how I look and will add or take away days.


I need to start concentrating on my Back again, and the delts need to be round and pop.


It's not like I have been neglecting anything, but I haven't been focusing in on any specific muscles other than trying to bring up the size of my legs.


So what will I be doing for the next few weeks? It's not a dramatic change, but it is a change. 


Monday
5:00 a.m. Calves, Conditioning at Courtside
11:00 a.m. Stairs and jump rope at San Jose State University
5:30 p.m. Hamstrings with Roy at BodyComp Personal Training Gym


Tuesday
5:00 a.m. Shoulders at Courtside
11:00 a.m. Stairs and jump rope at San Jose State University
5:30 p.m. Treadmill  at Home


Wednesday

5:00 a.m. Calves, Back and Biceps at Courtside
11:00 a.m. NAP! at San Jose State University
5:30 p.m. Quads with Roy at BodyComp Personal Training Gym


Thursday


5:00 a.m. Hamstrings at Courtside
11:00 a.m. Stairs and jump rope at San Jose State University
5:30 p.m. Treadmill  at Home


Friday

5:00 a.m. Calves, Conditioning at Courtside
12:00 a.m. Shoulders with Roy at BodyComp Personal Training Gym
5:30 p.m.  Treadmill at Home


Saturday
6:00 a.m. Quads at Courtside
3:30 p.m. Treadmill at Home


Sunday

6:00 a.m. Back and Biceps at Courtside
3:30 p.m. Treadmill at Home

The treadmill at home may vary when I actually do it, since it is right there I just fit it in between meals when I am not doing anything else! It is likely that I may start napping more days too, and not just on Wednesday (the day I actually lift twice).

Goals

What is it? What does it take? Why are some people successful while others are not? These are some questions that run through my head, and through others all the time. Who has the answers?


I think that we can all be successful, but success is determined by perception. 


Perception is reality.


What I think is success may not be what another person believes is success. 


My perceptions are not the same as other's perceptions.


My husband and my son say I have a skewed vision of what a person should look like, in other words, I am very hard on myself, I have very high expectations of myself and those around me. 


We all need to set our minds on a goal. It should be realistic and based on what we want, not what we think other people want, or what someone else wants. Many people spend their lives trying to live up to others expectations, why?


Just because I expect to have the physique of a woman half my age doesn't mean that everyone else around me should have the same expectations of themselves. Nor does it mean that I would be disappointed in them if they didn't have those expectations. 


I do enjoy the fact that I have a lot pf people come to me and ask advise. Those people range from very young (my son's friends) to old (my father). People of all ages in between have asked about diet, nutrition, weight lifting, weight loss, alcohol consumption, clothes for the gym, shoes, make-up, you name it, I have been asked about it and how I make it all work for me.


One thing I have learned is what works for one may not work for another. So it is good to listen, heed the advise and then contemplate how it may work for you, in your situation and then adjust. There is no set way of doing anything in life, really.


Even diets, we all need to start with one and monitor how we progress, what works for us and what doesn't, it's all a learning cycle.


The same goes for exercise. What I love may not hold any interest to someone else. I love chin ups, kettlebells, push ups, squats, sleds (to name a few things), I know other people who detest this stuff and they love 'body pump" class, aerobics, the elliptical machine, the "inny and outy" leg machine (totally useless!!! ha ha ha).


But if you try to do what you don't enjoy, you wont stick with it, so you need to find something that your heart is in!


There are many ways to achieve fitness goals, but you must first have a clear understanding of exactly what your goal is. Have you written it down? If someone asks you "what is your goal?" can you explain it? 


I remember back quite some time ago, almost a year ago when I emailed Roy (my trainer), before we ever met in person and I explained my goals. He must have thought I was an absolute nut case! I sent a huge email (full of typos- I forgot my glasses and my contacts), and told him exactly where I was, where I do not want to be and where I want to go in respect to my training. 


I needed someone who believed in me, valued what I wanted and understood my goals. I needed someone who would support me every step of the way. Had I been unable to explain all of this to him, who knows where I would be today. Would we have continued? Would I have quit due to frustration?


Luckily, I knew exactly how to express my goals, and Roy has been right there pushing me every inch of the way closer and closer.


I you are feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, unsuccessful, like you haven't made any progress or anything  along these lines, give this all some thought. Do YOU know where you are going? Do you have a map or directions or are you just driving along as a passenger, looking out the window of life?


Write them down, be specific, hold them near and dear to your heart and don't let anyone get in your way. 

You can do it.

Training while traveling

I am visiting my father; my sister, Karen, and brother, Derek are with me. Friday I went into work, left at 11:30 to meet Roy to train shoulders, then off we go on a three and a half hour drive south. It would only take three hours but we stopped in King City for taco's.


The top was down, and poor sis got the back seat, although she was a trooper and didn't ask to put up the top for quite some time. She missed all the music and the conversation. (Email readers will need to navigate directly to the blog to view the video below).

Before heading off to bed Friday my dad says "Are you training in the morning?" and I think this is significant, I mean how many people use the word "training" besides people like me? Ha ha! dad knows me well, he doesn't say "working out" cause that's not what I do.

"Yes indeed I am!" Off I go to sleep on the floor in the office. There are two couches in the living room and I can have one, but I go to bed much earlier than everyone else so this seems like the best idea.

I sleep fine but wake up with a headache, very unusual for me, but I have set my alarm and am up at 6:00, the gym there opens at 7:00 and is 13 miles away.

It's quad day, it will be tough since I have a headache but I am hoping I will forget about it soon.

I walk in, the guy at the desk greets me like he knows me and says "Hey how's it going? Have a good workout!" so I walk past and don't bother to pay or fill out a waiver. Either he recognizes me or I just look like I belong here.

I warm up on the treadmill and think about what I shall do. They have some equipment here that my gym does not so I want to use it. I like this gym, I imagine that this is what a prison gym would be like. 

I have actually been in the yard of San Quentin before, this is a high security prison in California. I was subpoenaed to show and testify against an inmate and since he was so dangerous they made me come to him instead of letting him come to me.  They told me "don't wear blue and don't run under any circumstances." I remember, after I was told to take off my shoes, and received a full body pat down that I had to walk across the prison yard, unescorted while the men walked all around me. Now I know why I couldn't wear blue, they all had on faded blue shirts. I was frightened and just looked straight ahead, walking slowly, looking at the door across the yard which only seemed to get farther away even though I walked closer and closer.

This gym reminds me of that, although I am not frightened or uncomfortable, because it's all men and they all wear wife beaters, white or black. Many wear hoodies, it's cold in here and big, there is no heat as it would cost way too much to heat the place. The men move slowly through the huge gym, almost in a trance. Most only train upper body, they are concerned with how they look in their tank tops, they have big puffed out chests, muscular arms, and thin, skinny legs.

I started with front squats, every quad day will have squats. The headache made it difficult, I couldn't go real heavy. I warmed up then did 5 sets of 10 with 95 pounds. I then used the hack squat, I love this and wish we had one but we don't. Since I have only used a hack squat a few times I have no basis for comparison, but I threw 2 big plates on each side and went as low as I could. 5 sets of 10. Then the leg press, again, I knew I could do more but the head got in the way. I had only 3 plates on each side, let's see...that is only 270 pounds, but add the actual machine and it's a bit more. Finally a leg extension machine with weight stacks for each leg, this is hard to master and I like it. I had 50 pounds on each side, so it's like uni-lateral raises with 50 pounds I suppose.

One hour, 15 minutes and the headache has prevented me from going as heavy as I would like, but it was still good. There was no space for me to do my conditioning as a "body pump" class was starting, and now in were coming the women. I used the step mill for my cardio. 

I showered, dressed and drove back in search of coffee. 

When I got home at about 9:15, everyone was up waiting for me, they were hungry. They all offered their solutions for my headache. K.K. (Karen) offered Advil, Dude (Derek) showed me an acupressure technique to relieve the pain. He took my left hand and gently squeezed the fleshy area between my thumb and first finger, I yelped in pain. "Yes he says, you have a bad headache." And we start laughing, "Um, that's my hand, not my head you squeezed." 

He explains that if you have a headache, you squeeze this area and gently massage until the headache goes away. I start massaging.

Dad tells me to sit back and relax and tell him about the headache, where is it, what color is it, how does it feel. I describe it as a pomello, red and encompassing the entire back of my head. 

More coffee, breakfast and soon my headache is gone. I don't know what made it go away though, time; Advil; massage; or imagery.

Keep this in mind when embarking on a training program. If you do too much, or switch programs too soon or often, you may never know what exactly was effective. Stick to a program long enough to be able to determine if it is successful.