Saturday, September 10, 2011

Self Doubt

It's right about this time where I start to doubt myself, my progress, all my hard work. I actually go through this a few times, but it usually lasts only a very short while, but now, it's a funk that has been hanging on a while.

I know it's all in my head, but I cannot convince my head of that!

I have no intention of turning back, no intention of not competing, but I need to go into it feeling good about myself. When you work so hard, and as the date gets closer, you are hungry quite a bit, it gets a little difficult to be objective.

I will pose and stare at the body in the mirror, it's not me, it's THE body, the one I am working on, it's a project. I have to take myself out of the body and try to critique it honestly.  I seem to always find fault.

This is not good. I should be damn happy with what I have, what I have worked hard for, yet right about now is when I lament of what I don't have, or haven't fully molded into what I want.

I did have some good interactions though that lifted my spirits, comments from people I know and people I do not. Of course, I was in gym attire or street clothes and unfortunately THE body looks different with clothes on than without (they all do, don't fool yourself), and in a competition, you are virtually naked, so there is no hiding anything. You just have to learn to be happy with what is there.

Tuesday morning Ryan, a trainer at Courtside, who also competes in Bodybuilding looked at me and said "You're showing on the 1st right?" Immediately I thought the worst "Yes. Why? Don't I look close?" "Hell ya" he said "You look leaner and dryer than I have ever seen you!"

I laughed and said "Thank god! And I had steak and sweet potato last night too! Well, 2 ounces of sweet potatoes, and 4 ounces of steak but it was so good."

I know that I am lean, but I am not sure if I am lean enough. It is usually easy as I know my desired weight, but I am sure I added lean mass training with Roy, so perhaps I don't want it to be as low as in the past. THE body has changed, I am sure of that. I have bigger shoulders and arms, and legs too. I like THE body better now, regardless what the judges decide on October 1!

I will be having Hydrostatic Body Fat testing done in a couple weeks, so we will know exactly where I am then. I have placed a link of my last test at the bottom here in case you want to read about the surreal experience when I did it last year.

Thursday night I attended a "Night of Beauty" hosted by my dermatologist. Her office also does cosmetic procedures. I walked in, giddy women everywhere, drinking champagne, eating treats (all kinds, let me tell you, but alas, I touched nothing!) We all went room to room with our raffle tickets seeking out the raffles we wanted to enter. I chose 4 photo facial treatments, 1 year of Lastisse, Obagi skin care regime, and Revale skin care set. Hopefully they pick my cards!

You could get fillers, botox, cellulite treatment, glycolic peels, laser treatments, all sorts of things. All services were on special, credit cards were flying around the room.

And, although there were some very attractive women there, I was asked by several just what I do to look the way I do. They wanted to know my exercises, was I a professional (pro what???), did I train, what do I eat. It really made me feel better. Most of these women were there for beauty procedures, and not cheap ones, let me tell you. And I was being complimented on something that is me, naturally me. 

I was talking with one rep, she worked for Dysport and she wanted to tell me what she does and asked about what I do (exercise). She wanted to know about diet, just what am I eating right now?

I told her a lot of lean protein and good carbs. She asked "what are good carbs, potatoes?" I explained I meant vegetables. She said she didn't know vegetables were carbs. So I explained about the fact that most people call starches carbs, but in reality, vegetables are carbs too, so if you eliminate or reduce starches, you must eat a lot of vegetables, and the right ones. Green leafy vegetables, chard, kale, broccoli, collard greens. Not lettuce.

We talked for quite some time, and I realized how easy it is for me, I know all of this, I can make it work and I do, everyday. 

I left, with a free purple pen and some skin care samples, feeling a lot better about where I am. Sometimes, strangers can help you through personal struggles without even knowing it. 

Still hope they pull my raffle tickets though!

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