Wednesday, July 6, 2011

What do you fear? (Fitness Blog World Post)

My first blog for Fitness Blog World

This took a lot of thinking, I don’t believe that I am afraid of anything, I feel invincible, and I can accomplish whatever I want. I have no fears.

Actually I am afraid of spiders, in fact, I had a car once, a red (I love red cars) Mazda RX3 and I went to get in one day and saw a huge spider web running from the steering wheel to a spot in the roof. I screamed and jumped away, and told David I would never, ever get in the car again, and I didn’t. I sold it. And I never even saw the spider….

Seriously though, I fear becoming obsessed. I have seen way too many people fall into it. And at what point do I decide I am obsessed? It’s subjective really. Many people now call me obsessive, others think I am not and I think it all depends on what your own world looks like, what lenses you are looking through.

Once I started to compete, I grew to love my competition body. To see myself so lean and tight, with beautiful, full muscles, and no fat anywhere is amazing, running my hand along my flat, tight stomach still thrills me, every inch of my body feels good actually, it’s surreal.

Yes the body feels as good as it looks. And the tan, the dark painted skin when just applied is amazing, my natural blond long hair against the dark skin, like a chocolate palomino horse.

I even start to like the feel of hunger, it’s hard to describe, but I never feel full, I always feel somewhat empty, yet that means I am leaning out, I am getting tighter, I am not fat.

Sounds a little sick huh?

I get there in my head though, and I think I have to so I am able to go through it, I have to get into a zone. It’s not easy because if it were, everyone would do it, and not many do, at least not more than once.

After a competition it is difficult for me to accept my “normal” body, and even my “normal” body knocks the socks off most everyone around me.  I slowly start to adjust, sometimes it takes me longer than other times, sometimes it is fairly quick, but there is always adjustment.

I look at myself so critically, one small jiggle and I start to freak out. Thankfully, once I start adding more weight back, I do grow to like my bigger self, but that worry is still there.

The world of Figure competitions can turn ugly quickly. I have seen many a woman build her whole life around it only to have it shatter in a thousand pieces in front of her when she finally realizes she won’t be a “pro” or won’t get a supplement endorsement, a magazine cover, become a famous model. It can be like the pursuit of the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It just doesn't exist.

Food becomes an enemy, many develop eating disorders, and life with others is impossible. I see them on Facebook, they never speak of anything else but their diet, their training, how hungry they are, how tired they are. Who wants to hear this? No one does.

So people eventually stop listening, they pull away.

I make a conscious effort not to talk about my diet, my training, any of it unless someone asks. And they always ask! Guys at the gym will come up and say “You’re getting ready for a competition huh? I can see you are leaning out.” I just tell them yes and leave it at that.

I fear that I won’t be well adjusted at some point and I could develop an eating disorder or body dysmorphia.  I fear that I will become obsessed with the "competition” look and dislike myself when I look normal. I fear losing my loved ones because I place my competitions and diet ahead of their wants and needs.

I fear that I will become a shallow person who thinks that this is what I need to be all the time, a competitor, and really, it’s all just a make believe game, a show, a production.

I fear that I will not be able to enjoy wine with friends, eat a cheeseburger and fires without feeling guilt, or enjoy vacation like a normal person.

These fears always make me second guess prepping for another competition, will this be the one where I never turn back? Will this be the one that causes me to lose all sight of what life is really about? Will this be the one that sets me up for disaster?

Although I have these fears that nag me, I believe I have successfully avoided it all for several reasons. I  have a family that loves and supports me, thick or thin, fat or lean.  I have friends who have the same interest and some who do not. I have an outlet, my blog which allows me to write about my life, my hopes, my fears, my ups and downs, my diet and training, and all the fun adventures I pack in every single day.

I also think the main reason is that I do this for health. I started out to be healthy, to be fit, and to live a long and enjoyable life. I also love the study of how it all works, the science, the research, and the data.

And I really love to lift weights!

Oh, and I also also believe my wacky sense of humor, ability to laugh at myself and desire to experience everything I possibly can helps keep me sane. (Can you read my shirt? It says "Charm School Reject"....)

didn't start running, weight training and eating healthy so I could compete in Figure, it just became the next logical step in my personal progression, my own growth; and just as it drifted in at the moment it was right for me, it will leave my life when it again feels right. 

And I will have all those plastic gold trophies to remind me of the fun, yet frightening experience it was.

Be sure to visit Fitness Blog World and my sisters in writing, they have all written about their fears today and I know you will enjoy their experiences.

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