Overcoming Fear of Heavy Weights

I don't mean people like me- "heavy weights", I mean the fear of lifting weights that are heavy.

I feel fear more often than you would imagine. I think it's part of the thrill of training, part of what makes it all so very exciting for me.

I have explained it over and over, lifting weights is a mind game for me, it's mind over matter. Look at me- I am big and I am strong, I CAN lift the damn weight. But sometimes, sometimes I think I cannot.

I talk to myself, sometimes it's inaudible, sometimes I can hear myself, I zone out, I really don't pay attention to people around me, they don't matter. In fact, they don't even belong in my "world" at that moment. 

Unless of course they are Roy- he does, I need him, I trust him, I like the reassurance that he is there, ready to catch the bar, or lift it when I am stuck at the bottom of a squat, as I squeak out a weak "Roy - help"...

I shouldn't need him though, I can do it without him, without anyone.  But I like him there, just to be sure.....

I have injured myself many times at the gym, the injuries have ranged from minor to major. I have suffered a few instances of over-use, when my physician had to tell me to stop lifting for several weeks at a time; developed bones spurs and deterioration of the shoulder joint; developed amenorrheoa due to losing too much body fat, which resulted in many other issues; slammed my fingers in between plates, (that is a regular occurrence unfortunately); dropped plates on my toes; tweaked my neck (lifting heavy, not paying attention and moving incorrectly); smacked my forehead with a 25 pound plate (drawing blood, it was dripping down my nose); broke a rib (performing a reverse hyper with a band and too much force on a Glute Ham Raise ); and now my most recent injury, one that was not serious but it set me back mentally. 

I was performing split jerks, an Olympic lift, and I pretty much shoved 115 pounds up my nose with as much force as possible.

Ouch

I will back up a bit. I train all body parts twice a week, except the magnificent Back which gets it's brutal workout only once, and due to the intensity of this workout, it really cannot be completed more than once a week!

When I hit the shoulders with Roy on Friday, we review my plan for the next shoulder day, which is on Tuesday and on my own. We set sets, reps, weights. I am not one of those people who only works out with their trainer.....

It was 5 am at Gold's Gym, I was warming up properly and slowly. I was supposed to do 5 sets of 5-6 reps of split jerks at 115 pounds. It scares me, that's a lot of weight, explosive movement and my body is never fully recovered, my lats are still aching on Tuesday from my Sunday pounding. It's also a lot of weight! Almost as much as I weigh and I am supposed to heave it up over my head many, many times.

I completed two sets, then on the third, on the 3rd rep, I pushed the bar up, with as much force as I could muster, and shoved the bar right into my nose, the pain was incredible. I wavered, placed the bar back in the rack as quickly as possible and looked in the mirror wondering if just broke the damn thing. I watched as the blood slowly seeped into the skin, it wasn't broken, but it was pooling up under the skin. I was done with that for the day and moved onto the dumbbell shoulder press where I had a stellar set of 5 (9 reps the first then 10 the next 4) at 45 pounds in each hand.

I did the usual pictures on Facebook, texted Roy and felt humiliated and sorry for myself. But I was also angry. I screwed up one of my most important days.

Friday I met Roy and it was....shoulder day again. I told him I was afraid, I didn't want to knock another tooth out. I already did that once and have an implant - my eye tooth- (not weight training related) and don't want to go through that again.

He assured me I could do it, and said he would be there for me. I launched into it and my head was chattering more than I can recall in ages.

The self talk is amazing. It can make or break me, it's a powerful force that I know should not have the influence on me that it does. 

I stood at the bar, my head nodded up and down a bit, I tend to do that as I go through my 'self talk" and convince myself that I can do something, I was staring straight ahead, I talked to myself. I lifted the bar and rested it on my clavicle, I felt the weight. It's not that heavy, not quite my body weight. I can do this I tell myself.

I did all my sets, sometimes my legs wobbly underneath me as I held the bar over head in the locked out position, Roy standing behind ready to help.

I overcame it. After the fourth set I told him I was really feeling the fatigue, I wasn't sure if I could go on. He agreed, we would rest then move to the dumbbells.

I walked over to my log book as usual and asked what my plan was for Tuesday, and dutifully recorded it in my own pattern and method that only I understand.

I will not be afraid on Tuesday, I did it today, I can do it again. I must look the monsters in the eye.

It's not easy, I need to remind myself all the time, if it were, then everyone would do it right? My mother taught me that I could, and should, do anything and everything that I wanted in life, and I believe that to this day.

If you are ever afraid, know that I am there with you, we are all afraid, one day or another. We must all choose to fight those monsters inside of us.

Lift strong!

Acknowledging Injuries

Injuries, frustration, disappointment, acknowledgement, commitment , change, excitement, growth, renewal.

A circle

It’s a process I just went through and I am sure anyone who is actually devoted to their training has experienced it, but did they realize they even went through this process?

Since June I have been working through some injuries, it has taken me three months to get where I am. Most of that time has been spent convincing myself I wasn’t injured. It took me that long to work through the process of admitting what I need to do so I heal and can start to move forward.

Training is a very big part of my life, I am not really complete unless I have done my training for the day, and it is the best part of my day. It is a rare occasion where I do not look forward to going to the gym, to the track, to train with Roy.

I strained my hamstring back in June and just kept pushing through it. That’s the “tough” thing to do right? But that really wasn’t my mentality, it was actually the fact that I feel fairly invincible, I couldn’t be hurt, it must all be in my mind, it’s just a muscle that’s a bit sore.

It took a few visits to the Chiropractor and my physician to convince me that it was more than what I had actually thought it was. And there was the hip flexor pain, sitting was unbearable, I would wake at night due to the aching in my hips, especially my left side (where the hamstring strain was).

Then I started physical therapy. The first session was nothing strenuous, he put me through several stretches that did not really feel like much, but it turned out he was assessing me more than anything.  I figured it was being paid for by insurance; I should go through with all sessions and see how it turns out, any stretching will be helpful to regain my range of motion right?  

The second session was different though, it seemed better, or maybe my head thought it was. Sid started by foam rolling my leg as I lay on a massage table, I said “good luck- I use a lacrosse ball!” Smart ass I was, he was good. Then he used his hands. This was even better. Next came assisted stretching, better still.  I asked him not to stop so he continued a while longer.

As we moved to another room I went through other stretches and exercises.  Brian shouts over “Be sure she uses what she calls the kettlebell jewelry”, which was what I said the itty bitty bells looked like since they weighed only 2 pounds.

I explained how my hip flexors hurt so much, and what my training has been like. I have been trying to grow the legs; I have been hitting them hard, really hard. Heavy and volume. He suggested that they may also be strained or just need a break.

I told him David had said the same thing, and so had Roy, we actually had already decided to cut squats to one day a week instead of two.

Since PT was mainly dealing with the hamstring strain, I had decided to see Dr. Leahy immediately afterward about the hip flexors.  He could at least do some Active Release to loosen up the tight muscles; the tightness was what was causing so much discomfort.

In his office I go through the whole story again, he works on both hip flexors and the hamstring.  He asks when my “event” is and I tell him not until May. He says I am progressing right along. “What does that mean?” I ask “It’s a compliment, take it!” he replies. 

I tell him I know, but I need to know what he “sees”. I see myself everyday and want to know what he sees. “Well, it looks like you have been adding mass, in fact, quite a bit. That’s what you are trying to do isn’t it?”

“Yes!” I tell him it’s the peanut butter sandwiches (I am joking) and I laugh.

Dr. Leahy suggests that I stop squatting all together- at least for a week or even two if I can manage the downtime. If I cannot take the downtime he suggests some light therapy.  He said I should just avoid anything that hurts my hip flexors, and when it no longer hurts, I am ready to train again. Insurance does not cover Dr. Leahy, doctors can be expensive when you pay on your own.

Sounds simple doesn’t it? It might be for some people, but it hasn’t been a simple process for me.

How many people would even have an issue with this? It has taken me a lot of time to actually confirm in my own mind that I am OK not training my legs for a couple weeks.  I sent a message to Roy and explained.

We had decided that I would be replacing my Saturday squat day with a biceps and triceps day, and move some of the the other splits around, so we just axed the squats all together and started the arm training then, the following day, on Wednesday when we would usually do squats. 

I really don’t train arms much; I train the shoulders but not the rest.

Wednesday was fun; we went through barbell triceps lockouts superset with scott curls. Then on to skull crushers and reverse barbell curls. I felt like a wimp, it was a lot of new stuff for me.

Thursday I did my hamstring training, but modified it slightly so that my hip flexors felt no pressure, I concentrated on the glutes so that’s where I felt it. I tried some kettlebell snatches at the end, but the hip flexors immediately felt the strain and I stopped after one set.

I will switch my Back training to Saturday (instead of squats) and repeat my arm training on Sunday, adding in some pullovers too. My upper body will be fried by Monday.

I’m excited again and looking forward to the changes! I already have some impressive arms, so imagine what they will look like after all this training in a few weeks! 

SuperGirl

Friday afternoon, I love Fridays!

Started out with 20 minutes on the stairmill at 5:00 a.m. then stretching. I need to lay off the rower for a while, I can see in this picture that my traps are starting to peek up from behind, I hate that! 

I walked all over looking for my jump rope, I believe I left it at the gym and someone seems to have snagged it. I have another at work, but that stays at work, so it's off to the store on the weekend for another.

I leave work at 11:30 then I drive out to see Roy at BodyComp Personal Training Gym. Today is shoulders, I need to make these delts pop!

I really could enjoy working half days everyday. But that is one of my many fantasies....

First I stretched again and then Roy did some range of motion testing and something he learned from his PICP training, I guess I should know what it is called but I forgot. I was lying on my side, so my upper arm was against a mat, so I could do a little wave with my hand and forearm while keeping my elbow and rest of the upper arm and shoulder stable. Roy would hold my arm down, and I was to resist against it for a while, release, and again, over and over a few times for the rotator cuff.

Then there was the ear squeeze (I am sure again this has a much more impressive name), and the pen on my forearm...you can just use your crazy imagination! I like doing new things and like a massage, you can always squeeze my ears! 

Anyway, it all made me more flexible and increased my range of motion for some odd reason. It has something to do with relaxing the fascia that runs down the neck I think...I will need to ask him on Wednesday when I see him again.

We did:

Seated behind the neck barbell press

Seated front barbell press

~I need to concentrate on keeping my neck straight, don't move forward, avoid smacking the back of my head with the barbell and pushing straight up, not out towards the front, which is easier.

Unilateral dumbbell press

super set with 

Rear delt flye 


Burn outs with a band

Shoulders really are my favorite body part to train, I always feel so powerful when I am doing the exercises. What I like most is doing everything so slowly, I see so many people (mainly men) who swing the dumbbells around like they are almost dancing, although it's a pretty nasty looking dance, more like the chicken dance....

I am sure they think they are doing their body good, in reality they are about to mess up their delicate shoulders for a very long time, shoulder injuries do not usually heal very quickly.

I had an overuse injury a couple years ago, my Doctor looked at the fax of the x-rays and called me and asked me to pick them up and bring them in, so we could "talk". I sat in his office, he asked how I felt and we discussed it for a while. I guess I convinced him of something, and the original x-rays must have been clearer because he told me based on his observations from the fax, he was going to tell me I could never lift weights again.

The fact that I told him I wouldn't listen to his advise at that point may have also changed his mind. But I did have to lay off for a couple months and could only do range of motion exercises. 

I screwed it up by training shoulders three times a week. That was stupid (I have since learned). I was training for a competition, and we all know the delts need to be huge, so that was my way of making them huge. It worked, they looked great, but one side of my body had searing pain running up the arm, and I couldn't even dress myself for a while. There is also a bone spur somewhere in the equation, but I haven't been bothered by it at all. When I looked at the x-rays I could see a bunch of rough, crumbly surface, I was told it should be smooth and clean.

I have learned that although I am strong as hell, and I can run with the best of them, I do need to respect the limitations that any body has, and train properly. This is another reason why I really like training with Roy, he is very concerned about form, so my weights have gone down, but my form is superb! 

In time, the weights will go up again, I am not concerned.

It was another VIB day at Sephora so I had to go to the mall after training, then I had a pedicure scheduled. I didn't have time to go home, so in the picture here I am looking a bit stringy. I had my post training drink, but my body really needed some food. 

I stopped to take a picture for you first though! 

Memorial day

What a handsome son I have huh? And oh so happy! Thats because he just got an injection of morphine in his rear end!

Memorial Day weekend, we had the annual Bay Area Super Series, a three day long lacrosse tournament. 40 teams playing, some from Canada and Los Angeles. I organized the varsity team last year and they won the gold! I organized another team this year too. 

It's a lot cheaper for the players if someone does the "organizing", I pay the one entrance fee, then each player pays me, divided equally by number of players. It came out to less than half of the cost per player!

We started with a huge team and it grew. Every few days I would get an email "Yo Mrs. Wilce- Can I be on your team?" cute huh?

Saturday was two field lacrosse games outdoors in Morgan Hill, David and I did a little wine tasting in between games. 

Sunday was three indoor games at the Silvercreek Sportplex, we won all five! Monday would be the championship playoffs.

The game started at 11:00, and at 11:10 I see Cooper running off the field, hand held high, something was wrong. David went to see, I stayed behind and when I saw their faces coming toward me I could tell. 

As Cooper came close I could see the bone of his right index finger protruding from the skin, and thick, red blood everywhere. There was no trainer, we got in the cars and drove to the hospital as fast as possible. David and Cooper arrived before me even though I was driving 90 miles an hour, and I saw the car by the ER entrance as I pulled in. He was already admitted and in a bed.

Cooper was laying there, his whole body shaking in pain, I started getting a bit angry at the staff- he needs pain medication. Only a mother will know what I went through watching this. The pain and frustration start to turn to a smoldering volcano that cannot and will not be contained. 

It took a half hour before they gave him morphine, they had to get a plastic surgeon who specializes in hands to see if there was nerve damage first.

The doctor was very funny, gave him numbing injections and told jokes, he also told us he had been in a refugee camp for three years when he was a child, so he graduated from high school late.

The bone had pushed the nail out of the skin at the top, it was still attached near the tip. He said it was not shattered, that was good. David was showing signs of becoming a second patient, so he suggested that he leave. I stayed and watched the procedure.

He cleaned it all up, and put everything back where it goes, it was starting to look somewhat normal. He explained he would stitch the nail onto the skin, it would protect the sensitive nail bed as it healed.

He started stitching and stitching. He says "Looks like Mom lifts a lot of weights!". 

Mom "yes I do"

Doc "Do you compete? Are you a bodybuilder?"

Mom "Yes I compete in Figure, not Bodybuilding"

We discuss the differences as he continues stitching, 25 or so stitches later, he has sewed dark thread all around the perimeter of the nail. Looks kind of like Frankenstein's hands must look.

Funny- no matter where I go people ask me about my muscles. And I never think I have enough muscles- even now I think I look kind of "puny", so you can see how easy it is to get a skewed self image when you are into this type of thing. It seems odd when I think about it, yet it is a normal re-occurring conversation in my day to day life. I guess I should be proud- not on a diet and not competing and yet people still comment about my physique. 

I left the room a few times to give David an update. Cooper then had an x-ray. I told him we could take his protective cup off, but he wouldn't have anyone helping him with it! 

A couple buddies form the team came in, they brought him his championship t-shirt, they won the gold again! (They brought a flower too.)

Cooper won't be able to use his hand for 6 weeks, his Canada tour playing lacrosse is now out of the picture. I have worked to find another family to buy our airline seats on the charter flight.

His tournament in July? Might be impossible, we need to wait and see.

Injuries are a part of sport, a part of life. If you stayed home and watched TV, you might never break anything, but you would probably be fat and end up with heart disease or diabetes.

I made him what he requested, spaghetti and meat balls. David got him apple pie and some sharp cheddar cheese to go on top.

Just before dinner the pain kicked in, I gave him 2 vicodin. He ate and asked how long until he could lift weights. His plan this summer was to get big, lift and get strong. It will be delayed a bit.

He texted his kickboxing coach, no more training for a couple months. I told Cooper I could take his spot in the private lessons, I can train and learn from Jerome while Cooper heals. I am not sure he likes the idea, I will have to wait and see.

I know how he feels, having the rug pulled out from under you, your dreams shattered, the disappointment overwhelming, the feeling of despair.  "It's not fair" you think, "why me?" rolls over and over in your head. You think you can heal faster than most others, you plan how quickly you will beat it.

The doctor said a new nail will grow over where the old one is, and it should take 4 to 6 months to come out halfway. If that doesn't happen, he will need to have a skin graft to protect the sensitive nail bed, but he thinks he should be fine.

I know it will be. But its gonna be a long month ahead of us.

3 1/2 weeks no diet!

I broke my rib 3 ½ weeks ago, so what happened to me? Did I fall apart?

Well, maybe I did emotionally for a bit, but that didn’t last too long.

I immediately fell off the diet wagon, I was 5 or 6 weeks out from a competition, and looking pretty darn ripped, I wasn’t sure if I could try to compete. My doctor said “no, you cannot lift weights or exercise” so I came to the realization fairly soon that I couldn’t try and for my own mental health, I shouldn’t even let myself believe I could.

I then went back on my diet, but my regular off season diet, not a pre-competition diet. In other words, I stuck to a fairly healthy food plan with an occasional treat.

Those treats became more and more frequent, friends heard about the injury and all wanted to eat, drink, go out, and celebrate. I obliged, it was fun!

After a week the doctor said I could walk, so I started out on the treadmill, 60 minutes a day. When my rib wasn’t as painful, after about two weeks I moved to the stairmill, that’s the best cardio workout for me, sweat would drip from my body as I trudged up those stairs day after day, for 60 minutes every morning.

Once in a while someone would stop by and ask why I was up there, how come I wasn’t lifting? Word started to spread, I got very sympathetic looks every day, they knew I hated cardio and missed my weights.

All in all, how do I look after almost 4 weeks of no diet and no weight training? Pretty darn good actually!

I can really see the softness from the back now, although my shoulders are fairly non existent, you can still see the "tree" of my back, and as soon as I start in training, especially with the pull ups, my back will respond.

The glute area is looking way too soft  in my opinion, probably the worst I have ever seen on me!

Shoulders? My pride and joy have all but disappeared. Although I still look great, I am definitely not competition ready!

But I start lifting again on Wednesday, and Wednesday is shoulder day! Those puppies will be screaming for forgiveness on Thursday and Friday, and will come bouncing back to life soon.

 

So I will toss the suit in the closet for another week and a half, and see how I look after a week of training!

Whining

I really don’t want to sound like a whiner; I detest weak, wimpy whiners who cannot just get on in life. I see them at work, in the stores, everywhere. Don’t misunderstand what I am saying, I don’t believe everyone is a whiner, but I do believe there are way too many of them out there, infiltrating our lives. 

What do I consider a “strong” person? One who spends the required time and energy to research and learn what they need to do to accomplish a goal, any goal.

With this in mind, I told David I was going to take a break from my blog.  I have written a blog every single day for the last 384 days! My goodness, that’s over a year now.

He said “Why? You can’t stop now!” and I said to him "I am injured, this is about training, about diet, about goals and accomplishments. It’s about being strong and mentally tough, about doing what others fail to even attempt. I am injured, what will I talk about? No one wants to hear me whine and complain!”

“Kristy, that’s exactly why you cannot stop now. People want to hear what you do when you are injured. Do you just roll over and quit? Do you stop trying? Do you let yourself down? People want to see you as a person like them, someone who struggles, who has setbacks, who has pain, illness, sorrow and loss. They cannot try to emulate someone who never has a rainy day!"

I thought about what he said and I realized he is right. This has been something that has helped me with my personal endeavors and struggles for the last year. 

Writing has helped me deal with the serious illness of my father (cancer), illness of my step father, death of my mother in law, my own illness (meningitis), a sometimes awfully stressful job, aging (I will be 50 in two days as I sit and write this), illness of friends, and war and tragedy throughout the world.

I am proud that I am extremely focused in life, I set goals and adhere to them and I am very lucky to have supportive family and friends. I march to my own drummer and carry my own food and water too (ha ha).

I took a look at my own blog; I say “Daily advice on achieving the body of your dreams. Diet, nutrition and training. How to stay sane and happy and enjoy the journey. Remember, "Life is not a dress rehearsal"

So what on earth makes me think that life is only lifting weights and dieting? It certainly is not! It can be, but would that be sane? Would that be happy? I doubt it. And what made me think everything was a bed of roses? I know it’s not, everything is how you view it, but it’s never always nice and neat, wrapped up with a pretty pink bow on top.

I forgot that some of the most glorious moments of my life are sharing food and drink with others, and not training, not dieting, not stressing. As long as it is balanced, then it is perfect.

For now, I am enjoying life as I can, as a “regular” person, cooking, eating, having drinks with friends, and going out to restaurants. Yes, my abs are soft, I am not at 5% body fat, and my once massive shoulders are looking a little less intimidating. However, I am still healthy, “strong as a Russian tractor” (as David likes to say) and buff as hell!

Here I am with "the beauties" at their house Saturday evening after my son's lacrosse game, sharing some fun on their ipad watching MY you tube channel, and drinking champagne as we celebrate my birthday, two days early!

You know, the weights are there, sitting just waiting for me. The diet? It is ready to kick into gear any moment, I just have to press the go button. 

Life? It changes, it's surprising, it's hills and valleys, thank goodness I don't have to experience it as one straight, long boring highway.

Keeping Injuries in Perspective

Over the last week my spirits have fluctuated between sadness, anger, frustration and acceptance. I am generally an upbeat person, I don’t complain about the little things (well, maybe my son’s cat, Thor, who meow’s incessantly and rubs against my legs when I get up at 4:00 am to use the bathroom…yuck!)

I have an injury, I have worked very hard over the last several months, since October actually, to add a great deal of lean mass, keeping fat at a minimum, and to be able to compete on May 7^th, I will not be able to compete now.

Some people keep telling me I can, I appreciate their encouragement, but they are people who have never done this, so they don’t realize that you cannot stop lifting weights for the last 5 weeks prior to a competition.

The training at this point is rigorous; it is intense, twice a day, hard, nothing easy. I am already getting soft, it won’t be possible.

I tell myself to keep it in perspective. My rib is going to heal and I will be fine. What about the Olympic athlete who has trained all their life only to be injured just before the Olympics? Their lifetime dreams are shattered. What about the woman who loses her child in the first few months of pregnancy, she may never recover emotionally from the loss. And the bicyclist who is hit by a car and shatters their hip, they may never ride or even walk again.

Things like this help me to snap out of it, really to just get on with life. I think lack of sleep doesn’t help matters, that’s when I have pain, during the day it’s only what I would describe as discomfort. The pain sets in when I lay in bed and attempt to move, it radiates throughout, keeping me awake. When I do drift off, then shift I am again awakened with the pain pulsating through my body.  I have a shorter temper, I think about it all the time.

It’s been a week. How on earth people spend an hour every day on a cardio machine, day in and day out just boggles my mind. I am only doing it to maintain some form of caloric expenditure, but I ache to lift again.

Can't Keep me Down

I went to the gym Monday and walked!  I called the doctor on Friday and asked if it would be OK, or I would go nuts. The answer was "as long as you aren't taking pain killers, walk away"

I spent a few days eating and drinking, I am amazed at how my muscles soak up and hold onto the glycogen! I look good, although the belly is a bit soft, something a bikini gal would like I am sure, but me? I like to be be hard, lean and lithe with round full muscle bellies showing.

I told David that I looked bloated and he agreed and he asked if maybe I had internal bleeding (guess I look kinda big huh?) but I assured him I didn't, it must be swelling...

Over the weekend I thought about what friends have told me, and I realize they are all correct. Things happen for a reason, and someone reminded me of running.

So many people have offered encouragement and pushed me to continue, I am amazed at how much faith they have in my abilities.

Before I started weight training, I was a runner. I am a Marathoner. You see, once a marathoner, always a marathoner- did you know they say that? You can never take that accomplishment away from anyone. Running 26.2 miles, without ever stopping is an amazing feat, and I have done it. 4 hours, 1 minute, 7 seconds. My goal was 4 hours and at the age of 40, I think that was pretty darn good.

I stopped running due to injuries, doctors orders. Plus I couldn't walk without pain and that was a bit of a drag. I think I went through a bit of depression and then I started weight training, but it took quite some time before I fell in love with it.

Then the passion never waned. I love what it does to my body, to my mind, to my heart. I love the atmosphere of a gym, almost any gym, the darker and dirtier the better!

So I have many things to explore now, and they are all in the gym, I will be going in everyday as usual.

Competing? I am a competitor! Once a competitor, always a competitor.

The only difference between my current competition, and the NPC competitions that I usually participate in, is this time, I am the only competitor.

This song from Pink called 18 Wheeler is one of my favorites, the video depicts how I feel right now, beat up, angry, relentless and ready to take on anyone who dares get in my way.

You can't keep me down.

Email subscribers will need to navigate directly to the blog to view the video, please do and turn up your speakers, so you can understand exactly what I am feeling.