Overcoming Fear of Heavy Weights

I don't mean people like me- "heavy weights", I mean the fear of lifting weights that are heavy.

I feel fear more often than you would imagine. I think it's part of the thrill of training, part of what makes it all so very exciting for me.

I have explained it over and over, lifting weights is a mind game for me, it's mind over matter. Look at me- I am big and I am strong, I CAN lift the damn weight. But sometimes, sometimes I think I cannot.

I talk to myself, sometimes it's inaudible, sometimes I can hear myself, I zone out, I really don't pay attention to people around me, they don't matter. In fact, they don't even belong in my "world" at that moment. 

Unless of course they are Roy- he does, I need him, I trust him, I like the reassurance that he is there, ready to catch the bar, or lift it when I am stuck at the bottom of a squat, as I squeak out a weak "Roy - help"...

I shouldn't need him though, I can do it without him, without anyone.  But I like him there, just to be sure.....

I have injured myself many times at the gym, the injuries have ranged from minor to major. I have suffered a few instances of over-use, when my physician had to tell me to stop lifting for several weeks at a time; developed bones spurs and deterioration of the shoulder joint; developed amenorrheoa due to losing too much body fat, which resulted in many other issues; slammed my fingers in between plates, (that is a regular occurrence unfortunately); dropped plates on my toes; tweaked my neck (lifting heavy, not paying attention and moving incorrectly); smacked my forehead with a 25 pound plate (drawing blood, it was dripping down my nose); broke a rib (performing a reverse hyper with a band and too much force on a Glute Ham Raise ); and now my most recent injury, one that was not serious but it set me back mentally. 

I was performing split jerks, an Olympic lift, and I pretty much shoved 115 pounds up my nose with as much force as possible.

Ouch

I will back up a bit. I train all body parts twice a week, except the magnificent Back which gets it's brutal workout only once, and due to the intensity of this workout, it really cannot be completed more than once a week!

When I hit the shoulders with Roy on Friday, we review my plan for the next shoulder day, which is on Tuesday and on my own. We set sets, reps, weights. I am not one of those people who only works out with their trainer.....

It was 5 am at Gold's Gym, I was warming up properly and slowly. I was supposed to do 5 sets of 5-6 reps of split jerks at 115 pounds. It scares me, that's a lot of weight, explosive movement and my body is never fully recovered, my lats are still aching on Tuesday from my Sunday pounding. It's also a lot of weight! Almost as much as I weigh and I am supposed to heave it up over my head many, many times.

I completed two sets, then on the third, on the 3rd rep, I pushed the bar up, with as much force as I could muster, and shoved the bar right into my nose, the pain was incredible. I wavered, placed the bar back in the rack as quickly as possible and looked in the mirror wondering if just broke the damn thing. I watched as the blood slowly seeped into the skin, it wasn't broken, but it was pooling up under the skin. I was done with that for the day and moved onto the dumbbell shoulder press where I had a stellar set of 5 (9 reps the first then 10 the next 4) at 45 pounds in each hand.

I did the usual pictures on Facebook, texted Roy and felt humiliated and sorry for myself. But I was also angry. I screwed up one of my most important days.

Friday I met Roy and it was....shoulder day again. I told him I was afraid, I didn't want to knock another tooth out. I already did that once and have an implant - my eye tooth- (not weight training related) and don't want to go through that again.

He assured me I could do it, and said he would be there for me. I launched into it and my head was chattering more than I can recall in ages.

The self talk is amazing. It can make or break me, it's a powerful force that I know should not have the influence on me that it does. 

I stood at the bar, my head nodded up and down a bit, I tend to do that as I go through my 'self talk" and convince myself that I can do something, I was staring straight ahead, I talked to myself. I lifted the bar and rested it on my clavicle, I felt the weight. It's not that heavy, not quite my body weight. I can do this I tell myself.

I did all my sets, sometimes my legs wobbly underneath me as I held the bar over head in the locked out position, Roy standing behind ready to help.

I overcame it. After the fourth set I told him I was really feeling the fatigue, I wasn't sure if I could go on. He agreed, we would rest then move to the dumbbells.

I walked over to my log book as usual and asked what my plan was for Tuesday, and dutifully recorded it in my own pattern and method that only I understand.

I will not be afraid on Tuesday, I did it today, I can do it again. I must look the monsters in the eye.

It's not easy, I need to remind myself all the time, if it were, then everyone would do it right? My mother taught me that I could, and should, do anything and everything that I wanted in life, and I believe that to this day.

If you are ever afraid, know that I am there with you, we are all afraid, one day or another. We must all choose to fight those monsters inside of us.

Lift strong!

The Good Humor Truck

Anne and I bumped into each other at the club while we were filling up at the ice machine on Saturday morning.

“My body feels like it was hit by a truck! I told her. “But it feels like it was hit by an ice cream truck, not a big rig! 

She said “Oh, you mean a Good Humor truck?!” and we both laughed, I knew what she meant.

I started back lifting on Wednesday, exactly 4 weeks to the day after I broke my rib. For the first two weeks I was in too much pain to do much, but come the third week I was pounding out the steps on the stair mill, an hour a day. “Get me off this stupid machine!” I was crying inside.

Monday and Tuesday I started back with my lunch time stairs and jump rope, come Wednesday my legs were toast. Wednesday was shoulders, I was strong, I didn’t drop my weights, and I felt great.

Thursday was glutes, that wasn’t quite as easy, perhaps as my core was more involved. Friday was back and biceps. I enjoyed that, my bi’s were quite sore on Saturday. My weights had to be lowered for these exercises too.

 

Saturday? The day I had been anticipating, legs. It’s my deadlift and squat day, among other things. I have always prided myself on how heavy I can go and still maintain good form. Really, if you aren’t using good form you are defeating the purpose and risk injuring yourself, so why do it?

I had to drop my weights dramatically. I could only deadlift 135. Front squats were only 85, and back squats 115. I was feeling like a failure. 

Then I realized, it’s not only getting my body back into the swing of things, it’s getting my head into it too. You see, for me, weights are a head trip, pure and simple.

My head has gone through many interesting phases in the last four weeks. Feeling scared, sorry for myself, anger, frustration, embarrassment, anxiety, elation, pleasure, accomplishment, sadness, enlightenment.

I have never taken four weeks off in my life. Even when I had meningitis last year (was it only last year?); I lifted, only I did it with a painfully pounding headache at times…

In the past four weeks I have learned that I am an accomplished lifter, I know how to stay the course and eat healthfully without "dieting", and still look smoking hot; I have learned to enjoy food and wine with my family, I have learned that I can, and I should relax more often. 

I have learned that while competing was good for me, and it may still be good in the future, it’s only one competition, with the same people I always see, talking the same stuff I always hear, saying the same positive (and negative) things about others as they always do.

There was a time when I felt I HAD to compete to look good. I HAD to compete to justify my obsession with weights. I HAD to compete to prove something.

I no longer do. I have proven myself to the most important person in the world: 

ME

And, I am quite proud to say, that I am most impressed with the me I have become.

Just look at me in the picture above! I look pretty darn happy huh? And good too! It was Saturday after 2 hours at the gym, I seem to have maintained well, sore but still in shape. After a couple days lifting my arms are already starting to look fuller again.

This is what I wear to the gym, everyday, 365 days a year. A bra top and these little shorts. I like the way I look, and I only look better when I am close to a competition. 

I know many competitors who wouldn't be caught dead in public like this, unless it was 2 weeks before a competition, because they are not proud of how they look in the "off season", or they think they need to be "stage ready" to allow anyone to see their bodies. Pretty sad state of affairs, not sure if it is true body dysmorphic disorder, but I definitely know several who fit this mold! Me? I think most women would give their right eye to look this good in the "off season" or "on season"!

Tonight (I am writing this on Saturday), my son’s 17^th birthday, I am making a nice dinner (pork Milanese with pasta and homemade tomato sauce); he goes off to a concert while we watch UFC 129 in HD and enjoy a few glasses of wine.

Sunday? Shoulders again. I suspect I will still be running from that Good Humor truck, but I am quickly running faster than it can drive and I can barely see it behind me.

Next week, on Saturday is the competition I had been prepping for when I injured myself. Will I be going to sit in the audience and cheer on everyone? 

No. I wish them all well, I hope they come away feeling accomplished, but I won't be there. You see, competitions happen all the time, this one takes place every single May without fail. 


Saturday I will be attending a much more important event, my son's varsity lacrosse team is in the quarter finals, that doesn't happen all the time, and what would they do without the team mom there anyway?

Promise Yourself

Lately I have been searching deep inside myself, searching for answers to some very interesting questions. I need to remain true to myself and do what makes me feel whole as a person. That may change as situations in my life change.

There is a pull up bar in my hallway, I walk by it a dozen times a day. I just put one hand up there, it feels good, it feels right. I want to pull myself up, to feel the muscles in my back straining and lifting my entire body effortlessly up past the top, but I dare not. I don't lift anything.

I am trying to avoid complaining, everyone is very concerned and they ask how I am doing, you cannot see my injury, but it is there.  I try to be upbeat, "it's healing nicely" I say, but I am only guessing, I have no idea!

Being on "weight lifting restriction" has caused me to consider how I treat others. I realize that I can be very focused, very driven, very selfish and that is not a good thing if you have people who love you and depend on you.

I also have had time to reflect on how encouraging I am to many others, I do like to see people succeed, it does not intimidate me to have strong, beautiful, equally successful people around me, in fact, I like to hang around in a gang of "buff ones".

I have been making extra efforts to look forward, to be enthusiastic about the next two weeks, to stay upbeat and true to myself, to what I need to do to feel I am not wasting my time on this earth.

I am sharing this poem with you, no matter what you do in life, if you live by these promises, you will be happier and healthier.

Promise Yourself

Promise yourself to be strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet. 

To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best and expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Author: Christian D. Larson

Fighter Diet (Pauline Nordin)

I like to read Pauline Nordin's blog, she has a site called Fighter Diet. 

She seems very straight forward, certainly doesn't sugar coat anything, my kinda gal!

So many times people will come up to me and ask me how to "get rid of this", or "lose some weight",  or "get nice arms like yours".

I know they are well intentioned, and they want to know what to do, but it just isn't that easy! It certainly isn't a hallway conversation either! I have people who ask me what I eat. Now do I say "chicken, fish, rice and vegetable" which is only partially the truth, or do I say: "Everything is pre-cooked, weighed or measured into containers the day before. It is labeled and timed as to when it will be consumed. It is lean proteins, whole grains, complex carbohydrates, vegetables. I avoid sugar, fat, alcohol, fried foods, packaged things, most store bought items"?

I don't think they really want to know all that, but that is what it takes. 

So, a little about Pauline: First, her philosophy:

I fully believe in the theory that there is no absolutely true, perfect and flawless diet and workout concepts which work for everyone. I believe there are many roads that lead to the goal, you just need to choose a path you feel passionate about. 

Passion is of utmost importance. Why? Because you will need to stick to and be loyal to whatever you decide to go for in order to succeed. It´s like that with almost all desires in life, so nothing new under the sun.

I will never state that I have scientific proof or research backup on many theories of mine. I don´t lie so it´s pretty easy to say it´s only my very own philosophy. 

I don´t really care if something I believe in is bullet proof or makes perfect sense, as long as it works and it makes me happy I´m cool and content!

My passion lies in perfecting my physique and keep on building a strong mind with a superhero´s discipline, dedication, patience and willpower. I aim to keep on doing that and hopefully in my pursuit I will inspire people to follow.

In general, I am inclined to extremes, to ultimates, to fanatic strategies. it fascinates me, keeps me on the edge. And that´s where I love to be.

If you like feeling comfortable and not doing more than average and are happy with settling for average results, well, don´t read my rambles, I assume it will just annoy you.

All I want is to inspire, to stay inconvenient and always ask for more.

If this sounds like something you enjoy too: welcome to Fighter Diet.

Sounds TOTALLY like something I would enjoy!

So just the other day she posted this. You can see she is very black and white. I have always considered myself "black and white" , but reading this, I think I may have a little gray in my life too now.

I try to say this same thing in my blog, but I think she does a really great job right here, so why try to recreate it?

Everyone wants to be lean all the time, but very few succeed. The reasons to failure are several but it’s a mix between laziness, inconsistency, lack of insight and lack of true desire for it.

There is a huge difference between dreaming about something and actually doing it.

Getting shredded takes a lot of work, discipline and dedication, but since the getting shredded-project usually ends with a wedding, a show or a photo shoot, your pride is at stake and you need to follow through or everyone including yourself will call you a pussy.

If getting ready for a show took the soul out of you and turned you into a worn out dish cloth, then don’t even think about maintaining peak condition chronically. It’s a lot more demanding because you don’t have a deadline. Well, you do, the deadline is when you are no longer walking on earth!

Staying contest ready or super lean without turning to stupid performance enhancing drugs means:

you need to do cardio even though you cannot stand it.

you need to stop feeling deprived because you “are not allowed” to eat this or that.

you need to work on your mental toughness daily.

you need to train more than you want some times to burn calories.

you need to stay consistent with your food intake.

you need to get enough rest in order to recover.

you cannot afford getting drunk because it sets you back too far.

you cannot rely on caffeine because your body will get used to it and you need more and more, thus you will whip your adrenal glands to failure.

you cannot rely on motivation to take you through workouts because you won’t always be motivated.

you will feel lethargic and tired occasionally because you are burning more calories than your body gets from food.

You will feel awesome when you try on clothes in stores but you might drag the stairs at the shopping mall because your leg workouts are killing your energy.

your six pack won’t always feel like a treat to own daily.

You will need to dig deeper for motivation and inspiration more often than others.

Is it really worth it? yeah if you are that kind of person who loves and thrives off discipline and living on the edge energy wise. I do. It makes me creative.

It makes me feel alive. It makes me alert, hungry for life. And that’s why I love it. I hope you do too. If not, don’t try this at home;-).