Life, Lifting and Loss of My Father

The photo above is my mother, Earleene on the left, My father, Frank in the center and my mother's younger sister (my aunt), Joyce, on the right when they were very young.

My mother died from cancer in 2009 and my father died of Leukemia on Sunday, July 14, 2013. Joyce is still here, kicking in Las Vegas, I spoke with her today actually.

If you have followed my blog over the years you know all about my mom and my friend Emily, who died from cancer only last year. I feel I have had way too many close encounters with cancer and death, and the loss of loved ones. 

I also had a bout with skin cancer a month ago, below you can see my chest after the cream treatment caused it to flare up. The side effects were so strong they ended up surgically removing it. I have a nice scar now the size of a lopsided quarter on the center of my chest to remind me to wear my sunscreen.

I am fine, it's actually my second cancer experience, and I have my whole body checked every six months for more. 

Needless to say, the last several months have been a bit stressful for me and my family. My father learned about his leukemia in February, he emailed me when I was vacationing in Mexico.  He endured several months of chemo again (it was his 3rd form of cancer in just as many years), and finally he decided he was done with the blood and platelet transfusions. 

My brother flew in from Europe (where he lives) and my sisters and I all cared for him, taking turns doing all of the things one needs to do. Joyce was there almost round the clock.

Here I am, in MyRedRocket (my convertible BMW), eating chocolate as I drive to my father's, he lived down the coast about 3 1/2 hours away (according to him, but none of us ever made it there that quickly).

I got out at Starbucks in King City, only to find chocolate melted on the butt of my light gray yoga pants, and chocolate on my face.....

I joined another gym at my father's place, in a city 13 miles away. In my opinion, nothing should stop you from training and my Dad would have felt the same way. 

Above I am posing at In Shape City in Santa Maria, California. I think I was a bit of a novelty to them, a new gal sauntering in, buff to the max, acting like she owns the place. I was greeted the very first day. A big guy comes in and introduces himself, shaking my hand. "You are in great shape!" he said, "You have all the guys back there talking about you." I thanked him and laughed, and explained I would be around for the next month or so.

I enjoyed my new gym immensely! I spent a lot of time there, Dad slept most of the day and mornings were quiet.

I brought a great deal of my own food, but since my brother, Derek wanted to train and learn to eat the "Kristy way", we did shopping and food prep together. He ended up losing 9 pounds I believe and will go home looking lean as can be!

I did some extra cardio everyday as most of the time at Dad's I was sitting and not particularly active. In Shape had something called a Jacob's Ladder that I loved, it was the most difficult form of cardio I have ever done. Take a look below!

After intervals for 14 minutes. Of course this was leg day too and I had done heavy squats and lunges previously. 

It's important to remember that we need to take care of ourselves when faced with a FUBAR. Do you know what that means? Many people use the acronyms SNAFU and FUBAR and have no idea what they mean. Less common but just as fun are TARFU and BOHICA. It's military speak (Dad was a marine ) -

Fucked

Up 

Beyond

All

Recognition

I go  into "I'm gonna train and no one can stop me" mode when something like this happens and I get lean and mean. Many others revert to old bad habits, alcohol, drugs, smoking, over eating. Not me, I want to take care of myself.

Below is Dad's duffel bag, moldy smelling but I love it! I found it in his closet as I cleaned out his clothes.

I found these great big silky shorts, I don't recall ever seeing him in these! 

Here is my brother, Derek (left) and my son, Cooper at dinner at Jocko's in Nipomo. Three nights after Dad's death, after we had cleared out much of the house, we all went to dinner to celebrate his life, relax and unwind. Death is a very stressful event. I felt like I had been holding my breath for weeks. I enjoyed a gin Gibson; one drink and I was dizzy.

I am at my home gym, Gold's Campbell here. I came home from Dad's a few times, but was too exhausted and stressed to go to work. I was on Family Medical Leave and missed a month of work. It's OK, my staff are very well crossed trained, very capable and I kept up with emails.

I continued my quest for legs, big, muscular legs and you can see that I am getting there. Two months after my last competition I am up 8 pounds and still lean, I am quite pleased with how my physique is coming along. David keeps looking at me saying "Your legs look great!" and he isn't into all this bodybuilding stuff at all! 

I am doing fine, while losing a loved one is never easy, Dad had us laughing until the end. Well, honestly at times we wanted to strangle him, but then we would huddle in the kitchen, comply with his crazy demands and get on with the care he needed, and appreciated even at his grumpiest moments.

Sometimes I looked at the morphine and the lorazepam and considered taking it myself! But I didn't, it was my way of vocalizing the stress I was feeling.

David and Cooper were very patient, holding down the fort at home and taking care of things I had to have done. Roy was amazing, changing my training schedule at the drop of a hat to accommodate me with my weird schedule in between cities for the last month. 

Sakura sent my father a card for father's day that made both he and I cry, the words were sincere and loving. 

Friday, I was at home, I trained with Roy and then David and I went to lunch. I had a glass of champagne and some wonderful (non-dietetic) food. 

I take Derek to the airport on Sunday, he will return home and to his studies in Paris. I go back to work on Monday and catch up to a month's worth of 'stuff". My sister, Karen also goes back on Monday, she too took a month off to care for Dad. 

Then on Thursday, Cooper and David will move Cooper back to Chico, into his new apartment and I lose another loved one, but hopefully I will see him frequently. 

it's been rough, it's been difficult, it's been stressful and tiring. But I never gave up, never, I am not a quitter. I love life and death is part of life, a very difficult transition, but one we must all come to terms with.

I will miss Dad, but every time I use a microwave I will think of him (it's an inside story that only his caregivers will know), and I still have his striped socks to wear when I go back to finish clearing out his home before the house is sold. 

I will also remember how he marveled at my passion and told me many, many times how proud he was of me and my accomplishments.  I have saved all the emails where he would reply to all my blogs, he read every single one. 

Oh, and the meaning of the other "military slang acronyms"? Check them out HERE! 

Obstacles

Its been several months, three actually, since my friend Emily was diagnosed with metastasized brain cancer. She died on the 5th, at home, with her caregiver holding her hand.


Since January 5, I have been by her side, helping her navigate the radiation, the CT scans, the PET scans, the multitude of ER visits, the blood work. I became chauffeur and confidant. I sifted through volumes of papers that the hospitals needed, I still have a stack about two feet high in my office. Disability, life insurance claims, early retirement withdrawals, bills, divorce proceedings, attorneys, the bureaucracy is astounding. She couldn't do it, so I did.


Loretta called me at 2 in the morning, I ran down the hall for my cell but missed the call, then the house phone rang, and hung up, the house phone again. Loretta was crying.


It's never easy losing someone, especially a young person, she would have turned 42 next month.


Emily was very lucky to have Loretta, we were lucky we found her. Emily was in good hands with her.


We all react differently and deal with death differently, just as we deal with life. Some people get hysterical, some cry immediately, some are solemn.

I went to the gym and lifted weights.

It's a place, and an activity, that makes me feel whole, makes me feel alive. Its my "happy place". I was there for a couple hours, I didn't cry, I was still too stunned.

I feel a huge sense of relief, for Emily and for me, for Loretta, her caregiver and all of the people who loved her. Cancer is not a easy way to die.

There was a lot to do, I thought I could finally sleep, maybe take a nap, I haven't been sleeping well, I had too much on my mind, but too many people needed things, they all needed information.

Silly things like transposed social security numbers on the cremation paperwork cause the mortuary concern, they want to make sure the death certificate is for the right person. Was there a will? How do we get in the apartment? Where are all the papers? 

Where did all these people get my cell phone number?  I have all the answers and am ready to let go of it all. I exhaled a lot, like I was pushing it all out of my body.

I emailed David and told him I am sorry things have been so rough for the last three months, it has all been very stressful for me. He said:

 "I am sure you are feeling a great sense of relief and now can move forward without the weight of Emily's care on your mind and shoulders.

You can now focus on your own weight and weights and shoulders."

He knows that's what I need, and it is time for me now, time to focus on myself, 100%. I haven't been, although many wouldn't know it. I have tried, but there just wasn't enough of  me to go around.

I have about four weeks until my competition, and through all of this I have maintained my training and diet quite well, I think I look great. I appear very lean (and still some fat is left and it will go too), I cannot see that I have lost any muscle to speak of, I am still progressing in my weight training,  and getting in that darn cardio.

I have managed to do my full time job too, and the laundry and grocery shopping (David helps too of course).

Now, I can concentrate on myself, on getting to where I need to be, where I want to be.

We all have obstacles to overcome, and it's easy to roll over and hide under a rock when things get stressful, but it helps no one, especially you. When you feel overwhelmed, keep going, maybe slow down a bit, take different routes, take shortcuts, but never give up. 


Do you have an obstacle that is keeping you from your dream? From becoming what or who you want to be? How long has that obstacle been there? Have you tried to overcome it? Really tried?

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

- Fr. Alfred D'Souza

Monday Morning Motivation

“Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.” 
`John W. Gardner


“The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.” 
`Thomas Merton


“Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.” 
`Swedish Proverb


“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” 
`Norman Cousins

Life detours

 

I had a few hiccups this month. I went on vacation, and I could have attempted to stick to a diet but I didn't choose to. That is what is important to remember, we all make our own choices.

I think that many people are not successful in their endeavors because they choose to blame external forces instead of turning and looking internally.

True, sometimes one person may be dealt a worse hand than others, and this hand may go on for quite some time, but it can be dealt with, it's all how you look at the cards.

I enjoyed my vacation, I ate, I drank, I slept, it was nice. I gained some body fat, I can see it and feel it. Oh David will tell you it is all in my head, but it's not.

I will lose it too, I am a focused person. Don't get in my way or you will get run over.  

I am retuning home early, but cannot yet get right back into the gym, but that's OK, the gym will always be there, and I can make it work.

I can adhere to my diet at my father-in laws (easier than in Mexico) and can always go to a local gym for a few days, weights are weights, I can lift them all!

Actually just getting back to chugging down copious amounts of water feels good! Tonight we all went out to dinner, I think the waiter thought I was a nut. While David ordered steak and fries (no vegetable), Cooper ordered chicken fried steak, country toast and baked potato, Pop had liver and onions, I ask for the following:

salmon, charbroiled, no oil, no butter

baked potato, plain

vegetables, steamed

lemon on the side

salad, only vinegar

It was good, it was healthy, it was on my diet. We had a good time joking how Mum would have had a french fry sandwich, with butter. (Don't know if it's part of growing up in Wales, or just a Mum thing!)

I may take detours, but I always find my way back to the main road and eventually, back home.

Life Interrupted

 

The manager of the hotel I am staying at came knocking on my screen door last night (Tuesday) at 3:00 a.m. David's dad was on the phone.

Davids mother has left us, it happened very suddenly and unexpectedly. We all know that our loved ones will leave, but we are never, ever ready for it.

Margaret was like a mother to me too, in fact I called her Mum. I have known her since I was 17 years old, that's a very long time.

She welcomed me into her family with open arms, never judging, never critical. I was the daughter she always wanted, yet never had until I met David. She spoiled me rotten! In fact, she gave me a key to her house, not David and said "If you two ever divorce, Kristy can come home, but not you David! ha ha

You really couldn't want a better mother in law.

Its very hard being in another country, I was able to change our flight, but we cannot leave until Thursday, one more day later. Paradise has suddenly become prison.

Through the tears and frustration we talked all day on Wednesday. We sat in the sun, drank way too much wine and walked over to have lunch at the restaurant next door. I sat looking at the ocean, sipping white wine and eating lobster with garlic. Even in sorrow I tell the guy to leave out the butter.

He senses something is not right, he fills my glass "on the house" and softly walks away. 

I emailed a friend who lives across the street from my in-laws, I met her through my blog. I ask if she will check on my Dad, Alicia wonderfully goes to spend time with him. She assures me she will check on him until we can get there, and her husband, Solomon will go see him when he returns from work in the evening, it is a great comfort to know there are others you can count on.

Actually being here another day, stranded has allowed us some time to come to terms with Mum's sudden death, to relate to one another, to talk our way through our own fears and pains. When my mother died 2 years ago, also in February, I had been caring for her with hospice, we talked daily about her fears of dying, my fears of her dying, our intertwined lives. It was not the same with Mum, we never got that chance.

I was always fortunate to have two mothers, and now I have memories only. But very good memories that I can cherish forever.

I love you Mum.