1:00 P.M. Meal

I love this one too! Have you heard me say there is a meal that I DON'T like? ha ha nope!


My previous meal at 10:00 a.m. was the last of the starches, in fact it was only one of two meals with starches. I had 1/3 cup dry measure of oatmeal in the morning (at 4:15 a.m.) and then 4 ounces brown rice at 10:00 a.m. The rest of my carbohydrates will come from vegetables. 


I am eating every 3 hours, and I am hungry every hour! I think a lot of it is in my mind, but maybe not, I mean if I am losing weight, even if it is slowly, that means I am expending more energy than I am taking in right?


To drop fat you need to eat less than your body needs, but it is really important that the foods you choose are good, quality foods that will give your body the nutrition it needs. This has 4 to 5 (and you can bet I lean towards the 5) ounces of baked tilapia, 1 cup of steamed asparagus, and 6o grams fresh avocado.


That's protein, non-starchy carbohydrate and good fat.


You can have 15 raw almonds instead of the avocado if you like! I love spicy foods so this tilapia hase been coated with ground black pepper and Vindaloo Curry I bought it from Whole Spice Company . I then bake it at 400, without turning until done, depending on the size of the fish, it can be 10 to 20 minutes.


I have the fish and asparagus and I really love the richness and creaminess of the avocado, along with my favorite Sriracha sauce and rice vinegar.


The fish can be made with curry, paprika, chili powder, anything you like really. 


So why the avocado? Besides the fact that avocados are one of the most amazing foods known to the gods I mean?


Fats are needed when carbohydrates are taken away. Fats do a lot of good- that is if you eat good fats, which is why I have some form of good fat at every meal. Some are in the form of supplements, and some are avocado, nuts, olive oil, flax seed.


Fat is needed to allow the body to absorb fat soluble vitamins (A, D, E, and K); fat slows the absorption of carbohydrates into the bloodstream (you have heard of combining foods to lower the gylcemic index right? That's why you must ALWAYS put peanut butter on your toast! ha ha)


Ingesting fat with each meal makes sure the blood sugar levels are kept at a constant level, and not spiking, so this keeps energy levels constant and your body burning fat for fuel. 


I would eat this again and again and again even when not dieting, but I could eat twice as much....

Obstacles

Its been several months, three actually, since my friend Emily was diagnosed with metastasized brain cancer. She died on the 5th, at home, with her caregiver holding her hand.


Since January 5, I have been by her side, helping her navigate the radiation, the CT scans, the PET scans, the multitude of ER visits, the blood work. I became chauffeur and confidant. I sifted through volumes of papers that the hospitals needed, I still have a stack about two feet high in my office. Disability, life insurance claims, early retirement withdrawals, bills, divorce proceedings, attorneys, the bureaucracy is astounding. She couldn't do it, so I did.


Loretta called me at 2 in the morning, I ran down the hall for my cell but missed the call, then the house phone rang, and hung up, the house phone again. Loretta was crying.


It's never easy losing someone, especially a young person, she would have turned 42 next month.


Emily was very lucky to have Loretta, we were lucky we found her. Emily was in good hands with her.


We all react differently and deal with death differently, just as we deal with life. Some people get hysterical, some cry immediately, some are solemn.

I went to the gym and lifted weights.

It's a place, and an activity, that makes me feel whole, makes me feel alive. Its my "happy place". I was there for a couple hours, I didn't cry, I was still too stunned.

I feel a huge sense of relief, for Emily and for me, for Loretta, her caregiver and all of the people who loved her. Cancer is not a easy way to die.

There was a lot to do, I thought I could finally sleep, maybe take a nap, I haven't been sleeping well, I had too much on my mind, but too many people needed things, they all needed information.

Silly things like transposed social security numbers on the cremation paperwork cause the mortuary concern, they want to make sure the death certificate is for the right person. Was there a will? How do we get in the apartment? Where are all the papers? 

Where did all these people get my cell phone number?  I have all the answers and am ready to let go of it all. I exhaled a lot, like I was pushing it all out of my body.

I emailed David and told him I am sorry things have been so rough for the last three months, it has all been very stressful for me. He said:

 "I am sure you are feeling a great sense of relief and now can move forward without the weight of Emily's care on your mind and shoulders.

You can now focus on your own weight and weights and shoulders."

He knows that's what I need, and it is time for me now, time to focus on myself, 100%. I haven't been, although many wouldn't know it. I have tried, but there just wasn't enough of  me to go around.

I have about four weeks until my competition, and through all of this I have maintained my training and diet quite well, I think I look great. I appear very lean (and still some fat is left and it will go too), I cannot see that I have lost any muscle to speak of, I am still progressing in my weight training,  and getting in that darn cardio.

I have managed to do my full time job too, and the laundry and grocery shopping (David helps too of course).

Now, I can concentrate on myself, on getting to where I need to be, where I want to be.

We all have obstacles to overcome, and it's easy to roll over and hide under a rock when things get stressful, but it helps no one, especially you. When you feel overwhelmed, keep going, maybe slow down a bit, take different routes, take shortcuts, but never give up. 


Do you have an obstacle that is keeping you from your dream? From becoming what or who you want to be? How long has that obstacle been there? Have you tried to overcome it? Really tried?

“For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, or a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”

- Fr. Alfred D'Souza

Registration

It's On! 

This is always a big day for me, it solidifies everything, it confirms my commitment and it's a huge milestone for me. What the heck am I talking about anyway?

registration for the competition! 

I know it all seems rather silly to go through all this when there are more important things going on in the world, but we all have our hobbies and passions right? This happens to be one of mine.

So many people say they will enter a competition, so many train for them, so many diet. Not that many actually end up on stage. It takes a lot of hard work, determination, patience, hunger, stamina, focus, support, rest, and, last but not least: money!

It costs a lot of money to try to win a small plastic gold trophy of a half-naked woman you know!

I already renewed my annual membership in the National Physique Committee (NPC), that is the sponsoring organization that holds the competitions, and the annual fee is $100.00. I got my membership card in the mail already at the start of the year.

Today (Sunday) I made my hotel reservations $89.00 plus tax. I only stay the night before, registration and tanning occur then so you really need to. I will drive home about midnight the evening of the event, I just want to take a long, hot shower, eat and get in my own bed then. Of course that will be after a few glasses of real champagne with David, and some pinot noir with my big juicy steak sandwich on sourdough bread.


I paid for my spray on tan and the touch up back stage, along with glaze before going on stage, that was another $130.00.


I paid my registration for the competition, and it is $90.00 per class. I compete in two classes- Masters 50+ and Unlimited, which is all ages and is grouped my height, so my fees were double! $180.00. I also got one ticket for the finals for David, add another $35.00.


So, before taxes, and not including my suit or food I need to prepare and bring, the night costs me $534.00, it's not cheap!


You can see these things add up when you also consider the personal training, gym memberships, supplements, copious amounts of food...!


But why is doing this so significant to me? It means I believe in myself, I know I will be ready, I am on track to succeed.


You would not believe the number of people I see the night of the competition standing there to pay their annual NPC fee, and to pay the registration for the show (and there is a $40.00 late fee for registering at the show too). Not only does this create a huge wait for the rest of us, but what does that say about their own confidence about their abilities? Why did they wait until the very last minute to register? Because they knew they could drop out at any time and not lose any money then, that's why. They weren't committed.


Me? I could not have committed to anything more than this! There is no backing out now! It helps me just that much more along the way, along the journey that is coming to an end!

Abs and Veins

I am dropping the fat, I ate a half hour on Saturday afternoon before this was taken, and look how vascular my stomach is. I have more fat to lose though, and hopefully some of the muscle will show after I drop all the fat!


I like veins, I  like vascularity, but the judges don't like it in Figure. They want it for Bodybuilding, but not my sport. I don't care, I like the look year round!


Seriously though, if you are new to this competition thing, just know that vascularity is a much sought after look for the Bodybuilders, but too much on a  Figure gal and you get scored lower. 


How do you stop it? Well, I think more people struggle just to get some vascularity than struggle to get rid of it. To get vascular you need to have the right combination of super low body fat; you cannot be retaining or "holding" water under the skin and...genetics.


You must be consuming the right diet, which is high protein, low complex carbs and low fat. So once you achieve your body fat goal, you need to stick to this diet to stay vascular.


Training is very important, you need to lift heavy to develop vascularity and some say that your blood pressure will increase vascularity so many people take nitric oxide supplements when they train, this engorges the veins with blood. 


When competing, you will see many women with vascular arms, particularly the shoulder and deltoid area, I think and this looks great. I like it on the abs too, and the calves.


I tend to be fairly vascular and I think that is because I have year round low body fat, I maintain the diet I described above most of the time and I stay away from foods that cause me to retain water. I drink a lot of water too, water in, water out!


I am still looking for the ever elusive 6 pack, but for now, these (almost- in two weeks) 51 year old abs look pretty darn good I think!

Week 5 to Competition (Week 5 of Diet)

5 down and 5 to go! I had my moments and I feel good now, I feel like I am on track. These pictures were taken on Saturday, and then on Sunday morning when I stepped on the scale I saw that I dropped down to 122 pounds, which means I lost 2 pounds this last week.

I texted Roy and told him he needed to keep an eye on me now, I don't want to get too lean. He said I looked fine in upper body and legs, but still had some "love handles" to lose....

Check out the legs! I can see more and more quad definition every single week, I am so excited I cannot contain myself!

You can see the shoulders look good, and I am looking "harder", this is what I want. I don't want anything to look "soft", no squishy stuff. 


My arms look full, hard and vascular. I am still working on rounding out the shoulders more, but I have 4 weeks left. Did you know you do not train the last week? You still diet though! ha ha 

The back is there and the glutes will harden up with more fat loss and of course when I drop water intake, that makes everything look tighter. Damn suit bottom, I didn't glue it like I said I would, see it all pinched on the right? I hate these things!

Side view looks better, stomach is flattening out.

 Now this side view is not as good, I have to practice the posing more.  

You can see the lack of bodyfat in the entire chest and upper body, and this area never worries me, what does is the abdominal and glute areas, so when I finally lose enough there, my face and upper arms may look too lean, but not necessarily. This time I have lost quite a bit and my face doesn't look so gaunt.

My face actually looks about normal here, usually at this stage I have lost so much fat in my face that the nasolabial folds are quite pronounced. When the folds are really deep it makes you appear much older.

I feel pretty good! Hungry, but good!

Monday Morning Motivation

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by 

an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people 

who rekindle the inner spirit. 

- Albert Schweitzer.  


20 years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover

 – Mark Twain.

Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive and go do it. Because what the world needs is more people who have come alive.

 – Howard Thurman.

There are two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle. 

- Albert Einstein.

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. 

When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life. 

- John Lennon

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken. 

- Oscar Wilde

I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to 

have lived the width of it as well. 

- Diane Ackerman.

Life isn’t a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, latte in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming ‘Woohoo WHAT A RIDE’!

My Own Personal Wall

My back, Saturday morning after training Quads.

At one point or another I have heard almost everyone I know say "I've hit the wall!" I don't recall ever saying that, nor have I ever felt that, until just the other day. 


You know when you go to work and they say things like "Don't bring your personal life to work, leave that at home" well that's not real is it? My personal life is part of me, and every single thing I do in life affects me and my work, my work in the gym, my work out of the gym.


Competing and preparing for a competition are emotionally and physically draining, no one knows who much is put into it, at least no one except the competitor and the people they live with.  


Emotions can drain you, the constant second guessing and feelings of defeat and inadequacies. 


The physical aspect has never been too much for me, I am fine with a great deal of activity and training, I rarely sit still and am happiest when constantly moving. 


But I am feeling pulled, I am overwhelmed and am having a hard time keeping all the balls in the air, my juggling skills are no longer as sharp as they used to be.


My friend, the one I have been caring for since January 4, is in her last days, she is very near the end of life. If you saw her you would actually think it is over already. It is all so much like when my mother died at home. The same morphine, the same Fentanyl patch, Ativan, the smell of death lingers in the air.


People think Hospice takes care of the dying, they do not. While they are wonderful, caring and talented individuals, they do not move in and care for the dying, they make sure that someone ELSE cares for the dying. The nurse checks in with me every couple days, and she sees my friend and meets with me, we discuss changes to pain medication, and impending death.


It's hard, it's really hard. I am working full time, training twice a day, I have a family, I am on a diet and my friend needs care. I am the team mom for my son's lacrosse team, and while the organization doesn't take much since I have done it before, the silly things like parents who cannot deal with problems try my patience, when normally they wouldn't. I am short with them, "get a life, put it all into perspective" I think to myself. 


I go to bed at night as soon as I can, but I still have cardio to do, or training with Roy, or lunches to make, dinner must be eaten. I never feel I have enough sleep. My eyes have dark circles, people tell me I look tired, I need a day off. 

I do. I need a day off from life.

A couple days ago I hit my wall. Too much happened, I felt like I had no where to turn. The company I hired to be with my friend 24 hours a day told me they couldn't administer meds, who would do it every 2 hours? I needed to find someone else, I did it with my mom (my sister and I took turns), sleeping by her bed with a timer sounding every hour, getting up to give her morphine, but can I do this again? Can I do this and still train and compete? I don't see how I could. The nurse thinks she will die in the next couple days, but then they said that about my mom, and she hung on for three weeks!


I visit my friend and although she cannot speak, I tell her it is OK to let go now, it's OK to die now. Everything is taken care of, there are no worries. I think the dying need to be reassured, they need to know there is no unfinished business. 


It took me all day, but I found another care giver, the finance part still needs to be worked out, but the coordination took me all day, a day when I should have been working. Nurses, social workers, hospitals, my phone was working overtime; I was working overtime.


So many people say "How can you do this?"  "It's not your responsibility." "You are killing yourself." 


Yes, all of that is true, but I don't know how I can NOT do what I am doing. We all deserve to die with dignity and free of pain.


I have been so tired, you cannot imagine the drain unless you have been through it all. The other day I got up, and went to the gym, I went through the motions, but my heart was not in it, it felt as though it was an obligation, a duty. I climbed up on the stairmill and felt the tears stream down my face, I cannot go on, I cannot continue this. I want to quit. I should quit. I have to quit, I cannot survive this.


I could see this wall in front of my face, a huge, dark, brick, cold wall, crumbling around the edges, impossible to pass through. 


I stayed on the stairmill, and thought a bit. I thought that this too shall pass, and I cannot quit now because people are depending on me. I am depending on myself. I need to be strong, I need to show myself that I can do it, I have always been a survivor, a fighter.


I am ok now, but I will always remember that wall staring me in the face, and I will always know that I am stronger than any outside force. 

I'm not quitting, ever.